I’ve been spending a bit of my time outside in God’s creation, surrounded by trees, sun and water. Mostly I’m alone, but sometimes with one other person. I am so thankful that I am someone who really enjoys being outdoors; someone who feels relaxed by it. I am thankful that I live in such a beautiful part of the world – that I can so easily escape from the craziness of life and be alone with God and my thoughts.
I’ve been really struggling to collect my thoughts; to sift through them and find any kind of meaning or organisation. This makes prayer and time with God really difficult, and it is something I really need right now. 99% of my prayers go like this; “Lord, please still my body and quieten my thoughts. Help me feel one thing at a time. Help me understand what I am thinking. Please, help me…”. And that’s usually as far as I get.
It’s really hard to describe what is going on in my head. Mostly it feels like I’m looking at a city from above. It’s filled with people and I can see all of their faces. They are all talking to me and to each other. But all I can hear is white noise – like the telly is muted and I can’t understand or comprehend what is happening in the picture. Everyone is demanding something of me but there is nothing I can do. I wish I could pause it and listen to one person at a time. But I cant. All I can do is observe. It’s so confusing.
I know that doesn’t really make sense, and that’s what makes it so frustrating.
I find that when I am at home alone I NEED to fill the silence. Whether it’s putting a movie on in the background or playing some music…I feel like I need to hear something. But I also want to be able to be still and quiet. It’s infuriating.
I also feel like my body has all this pent up energy that needs to come out, but I don’t know what to do with it. It comes in waves. One minute I’m yawning and flat on my back with no energy in sight, and the the minute I’m pacing around the house, my muscles tense, trembling with energy. It’s such a strange sensation. I know that each time the anxiety will pass – I just need to ride it out somehow.
This post has not made a lot of sense, but writing it has helped me try and understand what on earth I’m feeling. Sorry about the craziness!