I know this has been said many times before, but it has only really just become true for me…it is so easy to praise God when we are doing well – when we have a job, a home, a partner, some hobbies and our health. And when we are ‘prospering’ we think that no matter what happens, we will always be able to praise God, because how bad could it get?
Well, it’s pretty bad for me right now. And I am choosing to praise God – or trying to at least. It is really hard, but I have to remember all that God has saved me from and blessed me with. He has saved me (and Matt) from the punishment of our rebellion against Him, and has promised an inheritance kept for me in heaven (1 Peter 1:4). God is good and He comforts and cares for us in both the good times and the shit times (excuse my language).
That being said, I am still angry at my situation and I often find it hard to come to God in prayer or for comfort, because I still can’t believe that he would let my beautiful husband die. I hate so many things about what has happened; here are a few of them:
I hate that Matt is dead. I hate that ill never get to talk to him again. I hate that the accident was his fault and that i only have him to blame. I hate that we only had 2 months. I hate that we spent so long preparing for our marriage that only lasted 8 weeks. I hate that he is not here to hug me and tell me its all going to be ok. I hate that it is NOT going to be all ok. I hate that we wont be parents. I hate that im doing this alone (i know im not but it definately feels like it)
I hate that my entire future has changed. I hate that people around me are happy and healthy and in relationships and I am not. I hate that i didn’t get to say goodbye. I hate that noone can give me any real answers or advice. I hate that he is gone. I hate that this has happend to me. I hate that it was so good to be married to him and now its so shit to be left behind here.
I hate that he is not here for me to tell him that im pissed off at him. I hate that he was the guy for me and now he’s gone. I hate that when we got married we became one flesh and now i feel like only half a person. I hate that my name is Zoe schuthof and Matt isn’t here to be Matthew Schuthof. I hate that he isn’t here to affirm me. I hate that im sitting here crying and hurting and dying inside and so many other people are living normal lives. I hate how whingy and sorry for myself i sound. I hate that i cant stop picturing the accident in my head. I hate that he’s dead and there is nothing that can be done about it. I hate that the one person i want to talk most to about all of this is matt and he is not here to hold me and listen. I hate that i have to re-plan my future without him in it. I hate that i feel like i am starting to forget him and question whether we were even in love and married. I hate how much it hurts when i see photos of him. I hate that other people are in accidents but they dont die and matt did. I hate how my chest hurts and i feel like i need to get all this pain out but it wont come. I hate that i know that God is doing amazing stuff for his glory but i don’t really care.
I hate how this has turned me into a crazy person who sits and complains about everything she hates!
Yep. I know. That’s a lot of hate. But I wrote that out a few weeks ago, and as I read back over it I realise that I am starting to overcome some of that hate, and some of those things don’t bother me so much anymore. I have a long way to go though before I reach acceptance.
In a previous post I mentioned that it is the little things that are the hardest, and I had one of those moments yesterday. My brother and I went to see the new Star Trek movie (it was awesome!) and when we were walking next to each other to get some lunch (sushi train, yum!) I realised that if it was Matt walking next to me he would always reach out and hold my hand. I loved that. So instead I shoved my hands in my pockets, knowing that I will never hold his hand again.
This has been quite a depressing post, but I haven’t intended it to be. So on a lighter note, God is good, the sun is shining, Squid is behaving and I will ever praise God.