Church is quite hard for me at the moment for a number of reasons. Firstly, I have not been the most social person recently, and I still don’t really know how to answer the dreaded question, “How are you going?” Naturally, church is a place where lots of people want to know, so they can best support me…I just don’t know what to say. Also, there are so many young, married couples (praise God!) and it is really confronting for me to be around them.
The main one though, is the singing. I love worshipping at church alongside my brothers and sisters, but it is very different for me now. So many of the songs we sing focus on how great God is (true), how worthy of praise He is (true), how much He loves us (true), and how he is more than enough to satisfy and sustain us (true!).
The thing that I find challenging is that it is so easy to sing ‘you are enough’ when we have God + so many other things, i.e. health, family, money, love, etc. But now as I stand alongside my brothers and sisters singing these things, I feel like shouting “Do you know what you are saying? Would you really be praising God if you lost the things you find so important?” And, as I do, I am sure they would stand. But it would look very different. I try to sing through my tears and frustration, praising my God who gives and takes away.
Everything is so different for me now. God has to be and is more than enough for me.
At church last night we looked at the story of Abraham in Genesis chapter 22. This is the part of his journey where God asks him so kill his son Isaac, as a test of his faith, but stops Abraham right before he does it. God then provides Abraham with a ram to sacrifice instead.
Some of the main points we covered were;
- Abraham has to wait 25 years before God fulfilled his promise of turning Abraham’s family into a great nation, by blessing him with a son Isaac
- Abraham really loved Isaac, but he trusted God more, and had faith in God’s promises
How much do you trust God? Are you willing to sacrifice the most important things in your life for Him? To be honest, I feel like I didn’t really have a choice. God just took Matthew from me. Would I have been willing to give him up? I don’t think so. Maybe God was saving me from having to make a really hard choice.
God has promised that he loves me and cares for me, and one day I will inherit eternal life. How long will I have to wait? How long will it be until I start coping with my loss? How long will it be before I see the blessings through the fog? 5, 10, 25 years?
I pray that God will give me strength to trust in his promises and have the faith to wait patiently for him like Abraham did.