Today has been a hard day. I woke up with an extremely full bladder and a cat standing on my face (both of which are a harsh reminder that I can’t actually stay in bed all day, despite how I am feeling). It only got better when I received yet another letter in the mail from the coroner informing me of Matt’s death and the horrific causes which surrounded it. Great.
I am aware that I am whinging and feeling sorry for myself…but I don’t care right now, so bear with me.
I thought to myself; ‘maybe a bit of retail therapy will help?’ (and maybe getting out of the house into the real world too?). Nope. While I was in town I dropped into that bank to deposit some cheques from Matt’s now closed accounts. Luckily for me I had to explain my situation to 3 different people with a full line of customers waiting behind me – all the while trying not to fall into a sobbing mess on the lovely carpeted floor (it did look very appealing at the time).
I know I have said this before, but it is definitely the littlest and weirdest things that make me miss Matthew. In Big W today I found myself walking through the men’s clothing section looking at things I would normally be getting for Matt (he wasn’t great at shopping for clothes for himself, and was quite happy to wear whatever I picked up for him – what a guy!). It gets me every time. I just want to buy the clothes anyway and wear them myself – says the girl sitting here wearing one of Matt’s oversized Transformers shirts. The other thing is his Lynx deodorant Every time I spray it I smell him. It both warms my heart and makes my stomach drop.
I came home with a headache and some toys, had a nap, and have been drinking coffee and ‘V’ ever since to try and stay awake so that I am not up all night.
Some days are definitely harder than others; on a scale of dull background pain to all-consuming physical hurt and fear. Today wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either.
I have been reading Who Do You Think You Are? and have continued to find it helpful and insightful. I’ve also been working on memorising Psalm 103…I’ll giver the first couple of verses a try:
Praise the LORD, my soul, all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases…
And I forget the rest. Yup, I have a long way to go.
Now that I’ve had a royal whinge I am going to go and work on the Psalm some more and try and takes my eyes off myself and focus them towards God who is worthy of all our praise.