People often say to me “You are so open and honest on your blog,” and therefore assume I am ready and willing to speak about ‘how I’m going’ with them. As the days go by I am realising that this just isn’t the case. This blog allows me to talk about my thoughts, feelings, fears, desires, and dreams – without having to talk at all. I can sit crying in front of this screen in my Pikachu onsie (I just had to click ‘Add to Dictionary’ for those last two words!) and no one has to see or attempt to offer words of comfort, that in fact do not comfort at all.
There are obviously people I feel comfortable talking to and crying with, but they are few. And that isn’t a reflection of the people around me, but of my character. The one person I felt most comfortable talking to is the very person that I can no longer talk to.
I have recently been reflecting a bit on my reasons for writing this blog. Firstly, and most selfishly, it is really helpful for me to be able to sort through my messy thoughts and put them into some sort of readable order. What you read is a cut and edited (and censored!) version of my journal. This blog forces me to sit and process all the mess in my journal and turn it into something that is hopefully encouraging, or at the least, informative.
Secondly, it allows me to let you guys know where I’m at and how I’m going without the constant face-to-face contact and questions. It’s so comforting knowing that people ‘out there’ are praying for me, as I am often finding it hard to pray intentionally for myself. So, thank you! And please fell free to share this blog with anyone who asks how I’m going or how they can be praying for me.
And finally, I want to make the most of this horrific situation. I don’t want Matt’s death to have been for nothing. I know it wasn’t – I know that God has a plan and is using it for His glory – but if I can somehow encourage, challenge and inspire people through sharing Matt’s story and my life, then I want to do it with all I have. I want to know there is meaning in this…I need to know that God has a purpose.
So again, thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for praying. Thank you for sharing.