Yesterday was a bit of an up-and-down day. I was planning on writing this post last night but by the time I got to it I was emotionally exhausted. Unfortunately I wasn’t physically tired though, so I found myself lying in bed staring at the ceiling trying to quieten my thoughts. Naturally, as soon as I started to pray I swiftly fell asleep – typical.
So yesterday I decided to go to my home church in the morning (I haven’t been attending there much since the accident), and I found it quite good. The minister (a temporary stand-in) preached on the third commandment from Exodus chapter 20:
‘You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.’ (vs 7)
The thing that the preacher pointed out that was somewhat new to me was the idea that ‘using the Lord’s name in vain’ didn’t just refer to blasphemy (“Jesus Christ!”, “OMG”, etc.) but it applies to more than that. As Christians we bear the name of Christ – of God- and if we openly and unrepentantly dishonour him or misrepresent him with our words and actions, we are actually misusing the name of the Lord. I had personally never thought of it in this way! So that was a challenge to me and an interesting sermon to hear.
After church I was feeling pretty flat so I went home and watched some telly. One of the reasons I was having a rather emotional day was that my cousin got married. Please don’t misunderstand me; I love my cousin and I am happy for her. But thinking of other people getting married is quite hard for me because I get plagued with feeling of jealousy and envy, and I end up feeling quite sorry for myself. I wish I could be genuinely happy for my friends and family who are planning beautiful futures together, but unfortunately I am not there yet. And this makes me even angrier because I hate feeling that way! Anyway, I decided that I personally wasn’t ready to attend a wedding just yet (the last one I went to was my own), so I sent my apologies along with my family.
As I sat at home watching the hours tick by in the build up to 4:00pm (the time of the wedding), I grew restless and decided that a walk would probably do me good. I walked out to the Robertson Cemetery which is quite a beautiful place and Matt and I often went out there to look at the view – we even had our 1 year anniversary picnic out there (more romantic than it sounds).
I think that perhaps the walk was good for me, but maybe not the choice of location. The cemetery has always evoked strange feelings within me, especially as before Matt, none of my family members or friends have died. So in the past as I looked at the graves I often felt upset despite the fact that I didn’t know the person who had passed away. Also, the idea of someone being alive one moment and gone the next was a unknown concept to me as I had never really been personally affected by it.
As I stand and look at a grave now, the feelings of pain and uneasiness are still present, but are extremely intensified. No, Matthew was not buried, but he has died. And looking at a physical grave makes it seem more real to me somehow. I have said this many times before but it still hasn’t changed; Matt’s death still seems so surreal, to the point where I often say out loud to myself “My husband has died, Matt is gone.”, in the hope that I will start believing it.
As I was walking home quickly from the cemetery (by this point it was starting to get fairy dark and ridiculously cold) I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Now I know I am not ‘alone’ – God is always with me and my friends and family are constantly telling me that they are here and I will never have to face this alone – but I can’t help what I feel. If I was 22, single, and had never met Matt, I don’t think I would feel so lonely. I reckon that the feeling of isolation is highlighted in relation to the last 3 years spent with Matthew by my side. It sucks and it’s so hard knowing that there is nothing really that can be done to fix it or help it go away except time.
Lord, please give me comfort and patience as I walk this road of suffering without Matthew by my side. Jesus, thank you that you walk with me and even carry me when I can’t walk myself.
I don’t quite know why, but I feel I should end this on a bit of a happy note, so here is a little picture I find amusing:
… Christians … (sigh) …