I get that…but I kind of wish that

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I get that…but I kind of wish that God would change my situation instead. I know, or at least I hope, that one day in the future I will see God’s plan in all of this. I will be able to look back at these terrible times and see how He has used this situation to change my heart and change my life. I will be able to thank Him for sustaining me through my darkest days and for providing for me in His loving ways. I eagerly look forward to those times because, to be honest, that vision is getting blurry and that point of revelation is seeming more and more improbable.

Another day has passed and I feel like I haven’t really achieved anything. It is an ongoing battle in my mind. I feel as if I am wasting my life here. I don’t really do anything anymore – nothing or real substance anyway. Today I did a bit of reading, lounged around at Moe’s for a bit, came home, played wii, had a quick cup of tea with EB who was passing through, and watched Star Trek. When I write it out like that it seems like a lot…but I honestly feel like I have done nothing. The only word I can think to describe the feeling is mundane, and it frustrates me terribly!

On the other side of the battle I really don’t think I am ready for anything else! I don’t have the desire or the will to commit to a job of any sort, or ready to serve in any formal ministry setting. I don’t have a husband to be the wife of…I don’t have anything really to focus on or look forward to.

Am I wasting my life? Am I making the most of my short time here on earth? Part of me wants to stay in bed all day but another part thinks that I shouldn’t be allowed – that I would be ‘breaking the rules’ (whatever they are).

I know it sounds like I’m whinging…that’s because I am…but these are the things that are running through my head for most of the day.

I feel like I don’t have a future anymore. It’s a similar king of feeling to that which I had in year 9 at high school: knowing that I had four long, hard years ahead of me, with not many things to look forward to. Yes, it’s a similar feeling to that, except it’s not four years of hardship ahead…it could be up to 70 years. The thought alone is enough to immobilise me.

As I am typing this I am noticing a word which seems to be re-occurring; feel. I feel this, or I feel that… maybe I am focussing on my feelings too much. Perhaps I should be focusing more on the things I know to be true; that God has a plan, that this is just a season of my life – it will pass, that God is starting to bind up my broken heart bit-by-bit, day-by-day. And this I am truly thankful for.

xx zs

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