It’s strange, but one of the things that upsets me most at the moment when I think about Matt is when I consider where he is right now. He is in heaven with God. He is continuously praising Jesus at His throne.
I don’t want him to be there. I want him to be here with me.
I think it hurts mostly because it reminds me of the reality and finality of it all. Sometimes I find myself subconsciously believing that he is simply ‘away’ – yes, he is not here, but that’s just because he is somewhere else, like at work or on a holiday. But no. He is not here anymore. He is not walking this earth anymore. He is not here. He is not coming back.
It is really selfish, but the thing that really makes my stomach turn is knowing that he most likely doesn’t think of me anymore. He doesn’t feel the pains of separation that I do. He is no longer struggling with sin and hurt. He is praising his King and Saviour in an everlasting state of pure ecstasy.
I am jealous of him – envious of his situation.
I love him so much and I am so very thankful that God has saved him and brought him into His presence, but I also wish that he could see how much we are hurting down here. It feels so wrong writing that, but it is true. A very real part of me is angry at him and I want him to see the pain he has left behind.
I hope these feelings of anger pass soon, (I think that maybe it’s one of the stages in the grief process), because I don’t want to feel this way forever. I don’t want to remain angry at him.
Today I am praying for comfort and rest for my soul.