One of the obstacles that I face daily is the feeling, (I want to write ‘reality’ but I’m unsure if that is the correct word as I struggle to look at my situation objectively), that I have very little to look forward to in my future. The things that I eagerly awaited and that excited me about life have been snatched away.
Spending my entire life with my best friend.
Travelling with him.
Making a home with him.
Starting a family with him.
Growing old with him.
In reality these things have all gone. They will not be happening. As a result of this knowledge I find myself living under in a cloud of colourlessness, dreariness and a lack of excitement.
Now, I know that as a Christian my satisfaction ought to be found in Jesus and despite my circumstances I am called to faithfully honour, glorify and follow him with joy (please note that I didn’t write ‘happiness’ as that is a very different word – they are not synonyms). I know this. But if I am completely honest, when I wake up each day and realise that my plans have been thwarted and have been overridden by God’s plans, the knowledge of God’s love and salvation sometimes doesn’t cut it. It sounds terrible, but right now for me it is true. A future here on earth without Matthew seems really bleak.
I will be praying against this. I will be praying that I can be fully satisfied in Christ and that he will renew in me a passion for life and ministry.
I do have some news though: I have applied and been accepted to continue my Diploma of Theology at Sydney Missionary Bible College (SMBC) as a part-time student. So starting in about a month I will be going up to college one day a week and will begin to chip away at completing my diploma.
Am I ‘looking forward’ to it? Yes. And no. I do love studying theology and getting deeper into God’s word, but I am also quite anxious about the social side of it (I have recently been finding great amonts of comfort in my hermit-like style of life). Having to face the world is daunting, but deep down I know it will be good for me to start getting out of the house and meeting people.
I find it interesting the amount of people who ask “So when you finish your diploma, what do you get? What does it give you? What sort of job do you get from it?” For me it’s not about getting a piece of paper or a job…it’s about getting to know God better. It’s about growing in my love and understanding of Him. It’s about learning to better understand the Bible and how to apply it to my daily life. It’s about so much more than a mark. (Surely our relationship with God is the most profitable thing to invest in!)
If you have a couple of minutes check out the video that I linked to the title of this post. I often watched this video when I started my studies a couple of years ago, and I sometimes even watch it before Bible study.