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I saw my psych today. I’ve been seeing her pretty regularly since Matt’s accident, and it has been really beneficial to speak to someone who is a Christian and who knows a lot about grief and depression. 

One of the daily challenges that I am facing is trying to discern between the symptoms of clinical depression and the depression that comes with grief and loss. I have personally been treated for depression for the past few years, and now I am beginning to see the return of many of the symptoms that I previously experienced. My psychologist has assured me that what I am experiencing now is completely normal and expected for someone who has gone through trauma.

Today we discussed my sleeping patterns. Over the past few weeks I have been experiencing general lethargy and tiredness. I feel the need to nap during the day, and if I don’t I often crash before 8pm. Unfortunately I am also waking up most nights at 2am and then again around 6am. On top of this are the nightly dreams that don’t allow me to rest properly. It’s a vicious cycle.

So here’s what she proposed: If I need to nap, I should do it around lunch time (no later) and only for an hour. Then I have to try and stay awake until at least 10.30pm, which will hopefully help me sleep right through the night.

I hope it works, because at the moment I’m feeling less-and-less like doing anything at all, and more-and-more like this whenever I go out in public:

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xx zs

Bonhoeffer began to wonder whether he ought to pursue the life of a pastor rather than that of an academic. His father and brothers thought that would be a waste of his great intellect, but he often said that if one couldn’t communicate the most profound ideas about God and the Bible to children, something was amiss. There was more to life than academia.

xx zs

I love being a theology student. The books piled high, the Bibles open on the tables, the sound of typing, the morning teas, the library, the rows of desks…..ah I just love it.

So college was great last week. I felt pretty comfortable at the campus alongside the other students, and I met some lovely people during class and over morning tea. 

All-in-all it was a lovely day and I am very much looking forward to getting back into studying God’s word and growing in knowledge of Him.

Thanks for y’all prayers!

xx zs

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‘I am weary from my groaning;
with my tears I dampen my pillow
and drench my bed every night.
My eyes are swollen from grief;
they grow old because of all my enemies.’
– Psalm 6:6-7

Here, at the core of his song, David’s anguish takes full voice. Notice that he unveil’s how his grief has become all-consuming.
“I am weary from my groaning” (v.6a). The burden of grief may be invisible, but it is exceedingly heavy. It saps energy from a person, causing a weariness that is draining. 
– Bill Crowder

Oh how I can relate to this. I can be lazy at the best of times…but the last 4 months have raised my laziness to a whole new level. Some days I feel okay, and I am able to get up, shower, eat, clean and operate like a normal person. Other days; not so much. It’s the combination of a lack of physical and mental energy, and its debilitating.

It’s helpful (but sometimes frustrating) to have a reason to get up in the mornings, and tomorrow I have a reason. Tomorrow I start my lectures at Bible College. Part of me is really excited to be continuing my studies, but at the same time another part of me is quite apprehensive. It’s not the workload that I am worried about (I love study and I’m only going to be doing one subject this semester)…it’s the social aspect.

It’s the meeting new people. It’s the smiling and laughing. It’s the pretending like it’s a normal day in the life of Zoe. It’s acting like everything is okay, when it’s really not. It’s The Questions. I hadn’t even thought about The Questions until my psychologist warned me about them.

“So Zoe, what do you do?”

(Looks at my left hand) “Oh, how long have you been married for?”

“What does your husband do?”

“Schuthof, that’s an interesting name, are your parents Dutch?”

. . . “umm” . . . 

Yeah. This I am definitely not excited about. And it’s not even just awkward for me! Imagine the poor person’s response when I reply with “Actually I’m not doing a whole lot of anything at the moment because my husband recently passed away.” I would hate to be on the receiving end of that statement!

Unfortunately it can’t be avoided. Unless . . . I make a sign that reads; “I’m Zoe, I’m sad, I don’t want to talk about it.” No I couldn’t do that. Could I? No. Haha.

So, if you are that way inclined, I would love you to be praying for me tomorrow (and maybe for the other students too!)

xx zs