Nights are definitely the hardest.
I am living alone (except for my crazy-cat-companion) for the first time in my life, and it has both its ups and downs.
Living alone means that I have space to relax, to walk around looking like a hungover troll (a common occurrence these days), to arrange my things the way I like, to put pictures, photos and other decorative pieces on the walls, and to spend my time how I please.
Obviously it has a down-side too. I miss my brother who has lived with me for the past year. We had fun together, and despite our polar-opposite personalities, we got along amazingly well and were great housemates. And then there is the other stuff – like paying double the rent, mowing double the lawn, stacking double the wood, putting double the bins out, etc. Thankfully, though, I have amazing friends and family who never hesitate to help with these tasks.
Yep. Nights are the hardest.
I slept in a single bed for most of single life (yup, funny), but when Matt and I got engaged we bought a lovely queen-sized bed. Then when we got married I felt like I was sleeping in a bed the size of a chopping board – what with Matt’s lanky legs and oversized arms sprawled across the majority of the mattress.
Now that it’s just me in this queen-sized bed, it feels HUGE. It’s so big that sometimes I read at night with a head-torch because I can not easily reach my bedside lamp to switch it off! And it makes me feel lonely.
I guess also, at night our minds are often working overtime as we process and reflect on our day, and even plan our activities for the next day. It’s during this time that I become very aware of Matt’s absence.I miss the way he purposely moved right over to the edge of his side of the bed so that he was less likely to end up on my side. I miss the way that it never worked and I often had to push him back over during the night.
I think the thing that frustrates me the most though is the fact that nothing can be done to change it. Matt won’t be coming back.
So as I sit here in my oversized bed, thinking of Matt’s oversized heart, I have nothing else but to dwell in the presence of God – to draw near to Him. To find comfort in Him.
In you, LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Keep me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, LORD, my faithful God.
– Psalm 31:1-5