OK, I’m ready now. I’m ready to wake up from this nightmare. I’m ready for you to come home now Matthew. I’m ready for this to be over.

I am so impatient; I just want it to be over now, now, NOW! I’ve had it. I’ve had enough.

The last couple of weeks have been a battle – but not like those battles where you are pumped up to fight; no in this ones I’ve been more prone to lying down and letting it happen, letting it rage on around me.

This week I have been really challenged to dwell on whether or not I love God. I know He loves me, but do I love him? Sure, I trust Him – but do I love Him? I respect Him – but do I love Him? I fear Him – but do I love Him? I worship Him – but do I love Him? I have faith in Him – but do I love Him?

To be honest, I don’t know. I want to…I really want to; but I’m just not feeling it. I’m not feeling the joy in my heart when I think of Him, like I used to. I don’t have those ‘warm and fuzzies’ floating around in my tummy when I speak about Him. And I wonder if that’s Ok – if that’s an acceptable attitude to have when we are faced with trials – and yeah, I justify it in my head.

But then I think of James when he writes “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” (James 1:2). No, but seriously? There is very little joy in my heart during this trial, let alone pure joy. Oh I want there to be – I pray for there to be – but there just isn’t.

Now what?

Cue impatience: I want joy, NOW!

Deep breath Zoe. (Yes, I’m getting pretty good at the whole self-talk thing)

While I wait I ask for forgiveness, and I keep praying that God will fill my heart with love and joy in this darkness.

xx zs

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5 thoughts on “

  1. I hope I don’t sound presumptuous. Truly. I just wanted to say that I believe that love is not warm fuzzies. It’s a choice and it is displayed in the way we act out our choices … trust, respect, fear, worship, faith. These are the proof of love, the choices that love makes.

    Feelings? They come and go. Just as with our earthly relationships our feelings ebb and flow, so with God they do as well. This is why we are called to persevere. If it always felt warm and fuzzy, we would not have need of perseverance.

    I believe James speaks not to berating ourselves for our grief or sad feelings, but to the joy of knowing we are in process, we are being changed to Christlikeness through our perseverance. This is our joy: being conformed to the image of Christ EVEN AS we grieve and mourn and feel desperate. It is not an either/or. It is a both/and.

    A mature love maintains commitment despite feelings, even if/as it gives voice to those feelings. It knows that grief, anger, sorrow, despair – those are all real feelings given to us by our creator. (Jesus knew them all.) And yet the choice remains to stay, to stay in relationship despite a broken heart and broken dreams. To stay the course without condition, even if some days it seems only dogged determination is what keeps you breathing.

    I see this in you.

    I do.

    (Please forgive me if I have overstepped bounds. I do not want to step in and derail an important lesson if that is where you are being led. I just sense condemnation, and there is none of that for you. You are loved and accepted exactly as you are, and I believe your grief is of utmost importance to God.)

    All the best,

    Monica

    • Monica,

      Thanks so much for your reply – not apologies needed!

      I very much understand that love is not just a feeling but a choice – I dated an married a wonderfully amazing but sinful man hehe :)

      I am just finding it hard to even choose to love God at the moment, and even the joy of knowing that I’m being sanctified through this process is ebbing.

      I am so thankful that God’s love is not conditioned on my ability to love Him!

      xx zs

      • Zoe,

        I have great respect and appreciation for your honesty, both here and in all of your posts. I know that widowhood is indescribable in many ways to those who have not experienced it, but even for us widows everyone’s experience is different.

        I relate very much to what you are saying and feeling, and would only reiterate what you already know and say: God’s love is not conditional. I don’t believe he is disappointed in you; I believe he is grieving and weeping right alongside you. And I believe you know this. I’m glad.

        When we do not feel that we can choose him, we can rest in knowing he has already chosen us and nothing can snatch us from his hand. May you continue to rest in that in your journey of grief. And may you continue to courageously share your journey. I’m very proud of what you are doing here (even though we’ve never met and live in opposite hemispheres! ;-) ).

        I will continue to pray for you, my friend.

        Monica

  2. Hi Zoe,
    I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you…….
    I just want to respond by encouraging you to ponder on His love……it’s more about His love for you than your love for Him! Remember He first loved us -despite the fact that we were sinners – so now as you grieve surely He is compassionate and understands even more and does not expect anything back – it’s unconditional. So in this season, rest on His unconditional love for you…xx

  3. Hai Zoë, you are a marvellous woman of faith. God loves you to pieces. To miss someone you loved so much as you did Matthew, makes Gods heart cry too for you no matter how you feel about Him. I will again pray for you to hold on to His love for YOU! Lipkje

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