OK, I’m ready now. I’m ready to wake up from this nightmare. I’m ready for you to come home now Matthew. I’m ready for this to be over.
I am so impatient; I just want it to be over now, now, NOW! I’ve had it. I’ve had enough.
The last couple of weeks have been a battle – but not like those battles where you are pumped up to fight; no in this ones I’ve been more prone to lying down and letting it happen, letting it rage on around me.
This week I have been really challenged to dwell on whether or not I love God. I know He loves me, but do I love him? Sure, I trust Him – but do I love Him? I respect Him – but do I love Him? I fear Him – but do I love Him? I worship Him – but do I love Him? I have faith in Him – but do I love Him?
To be honest, I don’t know. I want to…I really want to; but I’m just not feeling it. I’m not feeling the joy in my heart when I think of Him, like I used to. I don’t have those ‘warm and fuzzies’ floating around in my tummy when I speak about Him. And I wonder if that’s Ok – if that’s an acceptable attitude to have when we are faced with trials – and yeah, I justify it in my head.
But then I think of James when he writes “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” (James 1:2). No, but seriously? There is very little joy in my heart during this trial, let alone pure joy. Oh I want there to be – I pray for there to be – but there just isn’t.
Cue impatience: I want joy, NOW!
Deep breath Zoe. (Yes, I’m getting pretty good at the whole self-talk thing)
While I wait I ask for forgiveness, and I keep praying that God will fill my heart with love and joy in this darkness.