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‘I am weary from my groaning;
with my tears I dampen my pillow
and drench my bed every night.
My eyes are swollen from grief;
they grow old because of all my enemies.’
– Psalm 6:6-7

Here, at the core of his song, David’s anguish takes full voice. Notice that he unveil’s how his grief has become all-consuming.
“I am weary from my groaning” (v.6a). The burden of grief may be invisible, but it is exceedingly heavy. It saps energy from a person, causing a weariness that is draining. 
– Bill Crowder

Oh how I can relate to this. I can be lazy at the best of times…but the last 4 months have raised my laziness to a whole new level. Some days I feel okay, and I am able to get up, shower, eat, clean and operate like a normal person. Other days; not so much. It’s the combination of a lack of physical and mental energy, and its debilitating.

It’s helpful (but sometimes frustrating) to have a reason to get up in the mornings, and tomorrow I have a reason. Tomorrow I start my lectures at Bible College. Part of me is really excited to be continuing my studies, but at the same time another part of me is quite apprehensive. It’s not the workload that I am worried about (I love study and I’m only going to be doing one subject this semester)…it’s the social aspect.

It’s the meeting new people. It’s the smiling and laughing. It’s the pretending like it’s a normal day in the life of Zoe. It’s acting like everything is okay, when it’s really not. It’s The Questions. I hadn’t even thought about The Questions until my psychologist warned me about them.

“So Zoe, what do you do?”

(Looks at my left hand) “Oh, how long have you been married for?”

“What does your husband do?”

“Schuthof, that’s an interesting name, are your parents Dutch?”

. . . “umm” . . . 

Yeah. This I am definitely not excited about. And it’s not even just awkward for me! Imagine the poor person’s response when I reply with “Actually I’m not doing a whole lot of anything at the moment because my husband recently passed away.” I would hate to be on the receiving end of that statement!

Unfortunately it can’t be avoided. Unless . . . I make a sign that reads; “I’m Zoe, I’m sad, I don’t want to talk about it.” No I couldn’t do that. Could I? No. Haha.

So, if you are that way inclined, I would love you to be praying for me tomorrow (and maybe for the other students too!)

xx zs

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