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Without a doubt, avoiding prayer is a sure prescription for anxiety, a way to avoid peace. To experience the kind of peace that covers all circumstances, the Bible challenges us to develop active, authentic prayer lives. Prayer with real substance to it – original thoughts flowing from an individual heart, personal and intimate. We often do everything but pray. We tend to want something more “substantial.” Even studying the Bible, going to church, talking to the pastor, or receiving counsel seems more tangible than prayer.

What victory the enemy has in winning us over to prayerlessness! He’d rather we do anything than pray. He’d rather see us serve ourselves into the ground, because he knows we’ll eventually grow resentful without prayer. He’d rather see us study the Bible into the wee hours of the morning, because he knows we’ll never have deep understanding and power to live what we’ve learned without prayer. Satan knows prayerless lives are powerless lives, while prayerful lives are powerful lives!

I just don’t have the words. I don’t know what to say anymore. I stop, I’m still . . . and nothing comes.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand what has happened. I don’t understand what God has allowed – has planned and purposed. I don’t understand how I feel about it. I don’t understand what I’m feeling towards God.

Am I angry? Am I hurt? Do I feel betrayed? Let down?

I don’t think I have been grieving – like properly grieving. I don’t want to feel the pain, to feel the sadness, so when it comes I push it away. I attempt to divert my attention.

I haven’t cried much. I don’t cry at home alone; I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel the pain in my chest or behind my eyes. So I don’t.

I know I should. I want to want to cry – to grieve – but it hurts too much.

I know I should. I know its ‘healthy’.

I am scared that if I don’t feel it fully now it will come back to bite me later. Ten, maybe twenty years down the track?

I know I should.

But I really don’t want to.

xx zs

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