Some thoughts and happenings from the week that has been . . .

  • I have learnt that people’s reaction to widows, like many other things, are varied. Some people want to be near you all the time, scared to leave you on your own. Some want to know how you are doing, and send messages or stop by your house regularly. Some feel hopeless and just want to help any way that they can. Some bring food. Some bring flowers. Some ask “how are you going?”, or “how has your week been?”, and you wonder if they are just being polite or if they really want to know. Some drop everything and come to your side as soon as you ask. Some are awkward and don’t know what to say to you. Some try to make you laugh. Some act as if everything is ok, even though it it glaringly and obviously not. Some simply don’t talk to you in fear of saying the wrong thing. Some unintentionally say the very worst things. Some make the promises; “If you need anything, just ask”, or “Please let me know if there is anything, anything at all, that I can do for you” – yet when the rubber hits the road you find their promises were empty. Some will hurt you. Some will help heal you. I often find myself thinking it is probably easier for everyone if I stay away.
  • I went to the doctors for a routine check up – yup, socks and crocs at the docs! (No shame). Unfortunately my lovely doctor, who is equally concerned about my spiritual health (best doc ever!), is moving away so it was my last appointment with him. We talked about my mood, my sleep, my study. He told me I need to do more exercise. I told him I don’t like leaving the confines of my house and yard, because I don’t want to see people or have them see me. He understands. Perhaps I am in need of a treadmill?
  • My white bunny, Moses, ran away. I spotted him across the road and think he is living under the church hall.
  • I’ve been thinking a lot about Psalm 73 and why bad things happen to good people. I see people committing adultery, I see people getting divorced, I see people having abortions, I see people abusing and abandoning their kids, and I cry out “IT’S NOT FAIR!” I want a marriage. I want kids. It hurts that there are people out there who have what I do not, and they aren’t even thankful. It’s not fair. It really isn’t. Then I remember that Matthew and I aren’t ‘good people’ either. None of us are. None of us are deserving of the blessings God freely gives. And I am sorry. I repent. It still hurts though.
  • I miss him fiercely.

xx zs


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