Some days I don’t write, I don’t blog. Some days it’s because I’m busy. Some days it’s because I don’t feel like I have much to say. Some days I can’t find the words so I find a picture or photo that conveys my thoughts and emotions in that moment. Some days I don’t feel like thinking about life and it’s meaning – I just want distraction. Some days I choose not to write because I worry what people might think.
We all do this. We care. We care about how others perceive us – whether or not they respect or like us. For me it’s more a concern about whether or not my words are glorifying to God. I know that as a Christian, I am called to bear witness to God’s goodness and holiness. So on the days when I’m angry and upset at God I choose not to write in case I misrepresent Him.
The more I think about it though, the more unconvinced I become that this is the right way to go about it. I mean, if we Christians can’t be open and honest – if we continue to pretend that life carrying a cross is easy – what happens when people come to Christ and have a hard time? Do they look around and see our facades – all smiles and positive – and wonder if they are doing something wrong?
No. I’m not going to pretend that life with God is all peaches and cream. I want to say it how it is.
I am a Bible believing Christian, saved by grace and living by faith. God has rescued me from the pit, forgiven my sins and promised me eternal life. I live day by day knowing this truth, but to be honest, there are days that I don’t care.
There are days when I don’t feel thankful. There are days when I can’t pray. There are days when I am overcome with anger. There are days when I wish God would leave me alone; that He would stop convicting me of my sins and let me sit and wallow in my pain. Honestly, there are days when I would willingly give up my salvation to have Matt back.
I know these feelings aren’t ‘good’ and ‘godly’, but they are there and that’s the simple truth. I’m not ok; none of us are.
When I think back over these dark days I am so, so grateful that God doesn’t leave us – that He doesn’t turn his back when we kick and rage against him, when we scream “IT’S NOT FAIR” at the sky until our voices grow hoarse. No, He doesn’t give us over to our sin, He doesn’t let us sit in it. No, He picks us up, dusts us off, and walks beside us as He props us up.
My friend –
I brought you from the ends of the earth
and called you from its farthest corners.
I said to you:
You are My servant;
I have chosen you and not rejected you.
Do not fear,
for I am with you;
do not be afraid,
for I am your God.
I will strengthen you;
I will help you;
I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.
– Isaiah 41:9-10