For the last three months I have been

For the last three months I have been regularly seeing a psychologist. Those of you who have been to a psychologist appointment would know that it can be a daunting task – both finding one that is a ‘good fit’ for you, and keeping up regular sessions.

I personally have seen a few different psychs, and have only just been blessed with finding someone who I can connect with and be honest with. She is a lovely Christian lady with a tonne of life experience (yeah, she’s a bit old) and real knack of looking at issues both emotionally and logistically.

One thing that surprises me is that I dread every single appointment with her, but I always walk away feeling blessed, encouraged, informed and somehow ‘lighter’. For example, last night I was running through all the possible excuses (a.k.a lies) I could give for not showing up/cancelling my appointment for this morning. “Just shut up, stop whinging and go!”, I said to myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. So I did. And, funnily enough, I feel better now.

Today we looked at anxiety, mindfulness and relaxation. This was super helpful because, (as I mentioned in my last post), I am having trouble emptying my mind. Apparently is is possible…who knew!?! I’m still a bit skeptical about it as there is so much activity, stress, worry, despair etc. inside my head at the moment…kind of like this:

(Obviously I have more hair). I am somewhat looking forward to trying some of the techniques she gave me, as it would be lovely to be able to switch off the noise for a bit.

One thing that has been happening for me over the last week or so is that I have been able to ‘feel’ a bit more. I think I have been in shock since Matt died, and as a result I have felt like a bit of a robot. I haven’t really been able to cry much – there have been tears here and there – but not the soul-satisfying crying that makes you exhausted afterwards. This seeming lack of emotion has also made me feel guilty…I mean, as a widow shouldn’t I be crying myself to sleep every night? Shouldn’t I be spending my days in bed? Am a heartless woman who couldn’t care less? That’s what I thought, but apparently that’s just shock. And now the shock and trauma is wearing off the healing tears are coming. One one hand it is painful to feel so much sorrow…but I’d rather that than feeling nothing.

I am told that one thing I need to remember is to breathe (apparently it’s important, haha). Jokes aside, it is hard to do when you are in a state of panic and worry. If you don’t breathe properly you loose oxygen in your hands which causes them to shake (so I’m told), and your brain also doesn’t get the required oxygen to form comprehensive thoughts. So deep, slow breaths are essential.

This is what I am going to be working on from now on.

xx zs