Our Greatest Need . . .

Feeling like this:

Trying to remember this:

‘This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.’ (1 John 4:9-10)

John said that God is love, and this is how He  showed His love, by sending His Son to die for us. Our greatest need is not freedom from adversity. All the possible calamities that could occur in this life cannot in any was be compared with the absolute calamity of eternal seperation from God. Jesus said no earthly joy could compare with the eternal joy of our names written in heaven (see Luke 10:20). In like manner, no earthly adversity can compare with the awful calamity of God’s eternal judgement in hell.
So when John said that God showed His love by sending His Son, he was saying God showed His love by meeting our greatest need – a need so great that no other need can even come close to it in comparison. If we want proof of God’s love for us, then we must look first at the Cross where God offered up His Son as a sacrifice for our sins. Cavalry is the one objective, absolute, irrefutable proof of God’s love for us.
– J. Bridges

xx zs

7 Months Today . . .

This past week or so I’ve been feeling rather despondent, and have been encouraged to try and discern what may have ‘triggered’ these feelings. Avoiding the things that trigger our depression can often be hard – or even impossible – but the ability to foresee them can better prepare us for the the emotions that they bring. 

These are a few that plague me at the moment (some will be quite obvious while others may seem strange to you):

Night time, sirens, helicopters, reckless drivers, Sundays, church, engagements and weddings, babies being born, motorcyclists, road accidents, showering, walking, work that needs to be done around the house, sunny days, Aunty Flow, TV shows & movies with happy endings, young couples, old couples, middle-aged couples . . . 

I have no doubt that as time passes and seasons change, so will these triggers. 

xx zs

Utopia . . .

xx zs

. . .

Sounds familiar. . .

xx zs

Matthew’s Vows . . .

Matthew’s Vows . . .

The title of this post is a link to a recording I found on Matt’s phone; it is him saying his wedding vows. He must have recorded it in order to help him memorise them. 

It’s really strange hearing his voice – hearing him say my name.

xx zs

. . .

xx zs

More and more the creeping feeling of loneliness is settling in. I endure it most strongly at night, aware of only myself in the house. It is not the kind of loneliness that company can drive away. Sometimes the feeling is even more intense when I am surrounded by others. No, this is the kind of loneliness you feel when half of you is gone. It is suffocating, it is debilitating, and at the moment it feels never-ending.  

xx zs

‘Trusting God – Even When Life Hurts’, by J. Bridges

‘How then can we trust Him in the midst of the pain of affliction or disease, or the heartache of barrenness or of a child born with a major birth defect? If God is in control, why does He allow these things to happen? In chapter one, I said that in order to trust God in adversity we must believe that God is completely sovereign, perfect in love, and infinite in wisdom. We have not yet studied the love and wisdom of God, but for now consider just one passage of Scripture.

For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief,
he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction 
or grief to the children of men.
(Lamentations 3:31-33)

God does not willingly bring affliction or grief to us. He does not delight in causing us to experience pain or heartache. He always has a purpose for the grief He brings or allows to come into our lives. Most often we do not know that His infinite wisdom and perfect love have determined that the particular sorrow is best for us. God never wastes pain. He always uses it to accomplish HIs purpose. And His purpose is for His glory and our good. Therefore, we can trust Him when our hearts are aching or our bodies are racked with pain.

Trusting God in the midst of our pain and heartache means that we accept it from Him. There is a vast difference between acceptance and either resignation or submission. We can resign ourselves to a different situation, simply because we see no other alternative. Many people do that all the time. Or we can submit to the sovereignty of God in our circumstances with a certain amount of reluctance. But to truly accept our pain and heartache has the connotation of willingness. An attitude of acceptance says that we trust God, that He loves us and knows what is best for us.’ 

xx zs

Sleeping in the middle of our bed in an attempt to make your absence less obvious.

xx zs

‘The righteous perish,
and no one takes it to heart;
the devout are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.
Those who walk uprightly
enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death.’

– Isaiah 57:1-2

 

xx zs

‘Is He Safe?’

‘Who is Aslan?’ asked Susan.
‘Aslan?’ said Mr Beaver. ‘Why, don’t you know? He’s the King. He’s the Lord of the whole wood, but not often here, you understand. Never in my time or my father’s time. But the word has reached us that he has come back. He is in Narnia at this moment. He’ll settle the White Queen all right. It is he, not you, that will save Mr Tumnus.’
‘She won’t turn him into stone too?’ said Edmund.
‘Lord love you, Son of Adam, what a simple thing to say!’ answered Mr Beaver with a great laugh. ‘Turn him into stone? If she can stand on her two feet and look him in the face it’ll be the most she can do and more than I expect of her. No, no. He’ll put all to rights as it says in an old rhyme in these parts:

Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.

You’ll understand when you see him.’
‘But shall we see him?’ asked Susan.
‘Why, Daughter of Eve, that’s what I brought you here for. I’m to lead you to where you shall meet him,’ said Mr Beaver.
‘Is – is he a man?’ asked Lucy.
‘Aslan a man!’ said Mr Beaver sternly. ‘Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-sea. Don’t you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion – the great Lion.’
‘Ooh!’ said Susan, ‘I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.’
‘Then you will, dearie, and no mistake,’ said Mrs Beaver; ‘if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.’
‘Then he isn’t safe?’ said Lucy.
‘Safe?’ said Mr Beaver; ‘don’t you hear what Mrs Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.’

– The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe: C.S. Lewis

Last night I dreamt that Jesus returned. I can’t wait.

xx zs

Today I re-watched ‘Becoming Jane’, the story of the life of Jane Austen. I remember that the first time I watched this film, a few years ago, I was distraught by its somewhat ‘unhappy’ ending.

Jane falls deeply in love with a man of little fortune, and after very nearly eloping with him, she decides that she cannot in fact marry him – despite her strong love for him. Alongside Jane’s story we experience her sister’s grief as her fiance suddenly dies at the hands of yellow fever.

Watching the film again today I find myself strangely comforted by this ‘undesirable’ ending; one in which the young people in love do not in fact live happily ever after. The kind of ending that is sadly true for many people.

I don’t know how close the film was to reality, but I personally really enjoy it and recommend it.

xx zs

Please excuse the language but I couldn’t resist! It seems so fitting as I am currently re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia.
So good :)

xx zs

Trusting and Obeying . . .

‘I acknowledge it often seems more difficult to trust God than obey Him.

The moral will of God given to us in the Bible is rational an reasonable. The circumstances in which we must trust God often appear irrational and inexplicable.

The law of God is readily recognised to be good for us, even when we don’t want to obey it. The circumstances of our lives frequently appear to be dreadful and grim or perhaps even calamitous and tragic.

Obeying God is worked out within well-defined boundaries of God’s revealed will. Trusting God is worked out in an arena that has no boundaries.

We do not know the extent, the duration, or the frequency of the painful, adverse circumstances in which we must frequently trust God.

We are always coping with the unknown.’

– Jerry Bridges, ‘Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts’.

xx zs

I want to be able to cry like this . . .

xx zs

 

‘Life-giving God,
Quicken me to call upon thy name,
for my mind is ignorant,
my thoughts vagrant,
my affections earthly,
my heart unbelieving.
I approach thee as Father and Friend,
my portion for ever,
my exceeding joy,
my strength of heart.
I believe in thee as the God of nature,
the ordainer of providence,
the sender of Jesus my Saviour.
My guilty fears discourage an approach to thee,
but I praise thee for the blessed news
that Jesus reconciles thee to me.
May the truth that is in him illuminate in me all that is dark,
establish in me all that is wavering,
comfort in me all that is wretched,
accomplish in me all that is of thy goodness, 
and glorify me in the name of Jesus.
I pass through a vale of tears
but bless thee for the opening gate of glory at its end.
Enable me to realise as mine the better, heavenly country.
Prepare me for every part of my pilgrimage.
Uphold my steps by thy Word.
Let no iniquity dominate me.
Teach me that Christ cannot be the way if I am the end,
that he cannot be Redeemer if I am my own saviour,
that there can be no true union with him
while the creature has my heart,
that faith accepts him as Redeemer and Lord or not at all.’

xx zs

On the day that I went to collect Matthew’s ashes from the crematorium, a good friend came along with me to hold my hand and to drive me home afterwards.

My friend had bought a small bunch of daffodils with her which she had purchased a couple of days beforehand. After we met with the lady in the office we took the ashes and sat in the sun. At the crematorium they have rows and rows of beautiful little trees planted with plaques at the base – many people put their loved ones ashes there.

So we found a bench in the gardens and just for a while. I noticed an old man sitting on a bench not far from us, and he appeared to be ‘visiting’ a loved one – I think his wife. He looked like he came regularly and just sat by the little tree. It’s weird, but I felt some kind ok strange connection to this man – we were both in that place because someone we love had died.

I asked my friend if I could have the flowers. I picked them up and went and sat next to the man.

“These are for you.”

He didn’t really look at me.

“Thank you.”

I sat for a few seconds then went back to the other bench.

I watched the old man out of the corner of my eye. He got up and walked away, leaving the daffodils on the bench. I wasn’t sure why, but I figured that he either didn’t want them, didn’t understand that I wanted him to take them, or he had left them for someone else. I didn’t mind.

Then he came back. He had gone to fill a little container with water, which he placed at the base of his tree. He put the flowers in the container and smiled. He returned to his bench and sat.

xx zs

As the weeks and months pass, I find myself missing him more and more. I worry that I am going to forget him; forget what he looked like, forget what he smelt like, forget what he sounded like, forget what he felt like. It feels like our marriage was a lifetime ago, and I sometimes even doubt its reality.

I find myself wearing his clothes, using his deodorant, listening to his music, reading his books. Mostly just wishing it didn’t have to be this way.

xx zs

Love . . .

 

Some years ago a theologian named William Vanstone wrote a book, now out of print, that included an interesting chapter called “The Phenomenology of Love.” all human beings, he says – even people who from childhood were deprived of love – know the difference between false and true love, fake and authentic love.

Here’s the difference, Vanstone says. In false love your aim is to use the other person to fulfill your happiness. Your love is conditional: You give it only as long as the person is affirming you and meeting your needs. And it’s nonvulnerable: You hold back so that you can cut your losses if necessary. But in true love, your aim is to spend yourself and use yourself for the happiness of the other, because your greatest joy is that person’s joy. Therefore your affection is unconditional: You give it regardless of whether your loved one is meeting your needs. And it’s radically vulnerable: You spend everything, hold nothing back, give it all away. Then Vanstone says, surprisingly, that our real problem is that nobody is fully capable of giving true love. We want it desperately, but we can’t give it. He doesn’t say we can’t give any kind of real love at all, but he’s saying that nobody is fully capable of giving true love. All of our love is somewhat fake. How so? Because we need to be loved like we need air and water. We can’t live without love. That means there’s a certain mercenary quality to our relationships. We look for people whose love would really affirm us. We invest our love only where we know we’ll get a good return. Of course when we do that, our love is conditional and nonvulnerable, because we’re not loving the person simply for himself or herself; we’re loving the person partly for the love we’re getting.

Obviously there are healthy people and unhealthy people; some are able to love more than others. But at the core Vanstone is right: Nobody can give anyone else tje kind or amount of love they’re starved for. In the end we’re all alike, groping for true love and incapable of fully giving it. What we need is someone to love us who doesn’t need us at all. Someone who loves us radically, unconditionally, vulnerably. Someone who loves us just for our sake. If we receive this king of love, that would so assure us of our value, it would so fill us up, that maybe we could start to give that love too. Who can give love with no need? Jesus. Remember the dance of the Trinity – the Father, the Son, and the Spirit have been knowing and loving one another perfectly for all eternity. Within himself, God has forever had all the love, all the fulfillment, and all the joy that he could possibly want. He has all the love within himself that the whole human race lacks. And the only way we are going to to get any more is from him….The security of Jesus’ love enables [us] to need less, and to love more. True love, love without neediness, is generative; it is the only kind that makes more of itself as it goes along.

Why did God create us and later redeem us at a great cost even though he doesn’t need us? He did it because he loves us. His love is perfect love, radically vulnerable love. And when you begin to get it, when you begin to experience it, the fakery and manipulativeness  of your own love starts to wash away, and you’ve got the patience and security to reach out and start giving a truer love to other people. 

 

– ‘Kings Cross’, by Timothy Keller.

 

xx zs

Over the past six months many people have said to me “Your faith is so encouraging”, or “You are so brave”, or “Your strength is amazing”, etc. I never know what to say to these comments, so usually I just give an awkward smile, or reply “You’re great too!”, and quickly change the subject.

As the weeks have passed I have been reflecting on this idea of perseverance in times of suffering. People often say that it’s easy to praise God when things are going well for us; when we have a job we enjoy, a loving family, a great church community, and good health. When we are feeling prosperous and blessed, it is easy to be thankful – but when times are hard our faith is tested.

I wonder if it is actually the other way around.

When we are blessed with good health, money and great relationships, it is easy to think that we don’t need God. Whereas when our heart’s are broken, our health is failing, our future’s look bleak, our plans have been squashed – we realise how much we need Him.

For me, during this season of pain, my hope and faith in God is nothing to be praised – it’s all I’ve got. Without God’s hand upholding me, I would fall. Without the Spirit speaking into my days, I would despair. Without Jesus by my side, I would crumble.

So for those of you out there who are in a season of joy and prosperity and are continuing to be thankful and faithful to our God – I applaud you. If you have ‘everything you need’ and are still able to realise how dependant you are on God, you are displaying true faith. Keep going.

xx zs