Warning; A Somewhat Graphic Post

‘Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead…’

I miss Matt today. 

Yesterday I had lunch with an old workmate in Kangaroo Valley, which meant driving through the place where Matt had his accident. It’s a really strange experience and equally hard to describe, but here are a few thoughts I journalled when I got home;

I see the skid mark on the wrong side of the road left by Matt as he attempted to avoid the accident.

When I come around the bend (going the other way) I imagine what it would have been like for the poor man who hit him.

I wonder if Matt felt any pain.

I wonder what he was thinking as he jumped off his bike to stop it from hitting the car.

I imagine what was happening inside his body after it collided with the car and fell heavily on the road.

How long was it before he fell unconscious?

Again, was he in pain? 

Did he realise that it was the end for him?

Did he think about me?

Was he able to think at all?

I try to imagine what it was like for the the people who waited for him while the ambulance was on its way.

Did they hold his hand?

I imagine the ambulance officers cutting off his bike gear and jacket.

Removing his helmet and boots.

I imagine them driving to the show ground where they were going to meet the helicopter which would transfer him to a hospital in Sydney.

I image him being pronounced dead before it got there…

All of this is going through my head as I drive that terrible road – the one on which my beautiful husband too his last breath before meeting his Lord and Saviour.

This is one of the hardest things about Matt’s accident (besides the fact that he is gone). I have these thoughts and nightmares running through my head daily. The other thing that haunts me regularly is the response of those around me when we were informed of Matt’s death. Seeing my friends and family hurting like that is so hard for me.

Amidst all of the pain and trauma of that day, God really provided for both Matt and I. The first person to reach Matt after the accident was an ex-ambulance driver, and he knew exactly what to do while the ambulance came. The police chaplain was also there praying for Matthew as the ambulance officers worked hard to save his life. Matt was also wearing a brand new helmet and protective gear. All of these factors comfort me as I know that everything that could have been done to save him was done.

It’s a small thing but it does keep me going. 

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I saw this picture on Facebook yesterday and it put me right back in my place. I often sit and feel sorry for myself and wonder why God would let something like this happen to such a beautiful and godly guy, but it is good to remember that none of us are good, and every good thing we have is a gift from God that we do not deserve.

Thank you Jesus.

xx zs

Today has been a fairly mediocre day. I

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Today has been a fairly mediocre day. I spent a bit of time in the morning walking in the bush and sitting by some waterfalls. I find this time helpful for thinking and journaling…and also getting my daily dose of vitamin D in order to prevent my skin from becoming ‘dungeon prisoner pale’.

I have been spending a fair bit of my time thinking about the importance of ministry; in particular, youth ministry. God has blessed me with a desire and passion for youth ministry, and I have missed serving in this area recently.

I believe youth ministry (e.g. youth group) is an extremely important ministry for a number of reasons, including:

  • Kids are at such an impressionable stage of their lives; both for good things (the Gospel) and bad things (sin and worldliness).
  • They can experience God’s love through their leaders (ideally) and more importantly through a relationship with Christ – which they may not be getting at home.
  • They can seek advice and wisdom from their leaders with whom they can be open and honest with.
  • Life can be short (we don’t know when each person’s time will be up – or when Jesus will return), and we have the truth which each person needs to have salvation and everlasting life with God.
  • We can provide them with regular Bible study to help guide them through life and grow in their relationships with Christ.
  • It’s a good environment for kid’s to hang out with other Christiana their age, and encourage and spur each other on in their faith.

There are many, many more reasons…these are just a few I have been thinking over. Matthew had a passion for youth and preaching the Gospel to them. He did it for his job, but also in his free time. When I was working in full-time ministry, I worked in more of a ‘evangelistic’ role; we rarely had any follow-up with the kids we ministered to, so it was more evangelising than discipleship. I personally found this challenging, as I love to see kids grow and mature in their faith, and also to  be there to support them when things are rough.

Matt’s death has also forced me to rethink my future, as our long-term plans were for me to be wife and mum. Now as an unemployed ‘single’ person I need to start thinking about some kind of job. Ideally I would love to go back into youth ministry, but I am struggling with the notion of any kind of responsibility and commitment at the moment…let alone being somewhat responsible for other’s spiritual growth. I know that God uses the most unlikely people to do great things (e.g. the apostle Paul), but I’m a whole bunch of crazy right now.

This was my prayer today;

Lord God,

I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t have the words to speak. All I can do is give my pain over to you God. Lord, please take it. Please ease it from me. Please change it into joy and Praise. Please help me see your hand in my life and in this mess. Help me see your plan for me. Please help me accept that this is your will for my life. Help me not to be angry at you for this – but help me trust you and walk faithfully in your ways. Lord God, I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what path to follow and what steps to take. Please direct me Lord in the path you have set out specifically for me.

Lord I love you and I trust you.

xx zs

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In Christ…

 

 

‘In Christ, you’re graced. You’re chosen by grace, saved by grace, kept by grace, gifted by grace, empowered by grace, matured by grace, and sanctified by grace. You persevere by grace, and one day will see Jesus, the best friend you’ve ever had, face-to-face, by grace.’

– Driscoll

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xx zs

Hard Times…

Yep. This is crap, this is hard. And that is OK.

This is one of the seasons in life where it is OK to feel sad continuously, to be close to tears all the time, and to not want to talk about it sometimes – but to also want to talk about nothing else.

I am an introvert. I get my energy from being alone with my thoughts. I know that there are a tonne of people out there who are worried about me and sad for me, but I feel like I should let you know that me wanting to be alone is normal and OK. It’s not personal at all. It’s just what I need at the moment, and my psych has affirmed that it is completely normal and healthy for me to have those days. And remember I am never truly ‘alone’; my King walks beside me every step of the way.

I am so touched by all the love and support that is surrounding me at the moment, and I strongly believe that Matt would be so proud of how you are all taking care of me now that he can’t. I guess it has just been on my heart to let you all know that even though you don’t see me often, I am OK.

There are times when I do want company or want to be around you – and when those times come I will definitely let you know! Please don’t stop offering to hang out or catch up, but please, please don’t be offended if I decline…I’m probably still in my jammies watching cat videos online!

xx zs

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Dear Saints, yo…

Dear Saints, you must always remember who you are, especially when you need it most.
Theologians explain it this way. The imperatives of the Bible (what you should do) flow out of the indicatives (who you are). We say no to sin because we are holy in Christ. We endure the criticism of those who hate us because God loves us in Christ. We endure ostracism from others because God welcomes us in Christ. We are not what we do. We do what we are. Our identity determines our activity. This was true for Jesus, and it’s true for those who are in Christ. Our identity as new creations in Christ is the key for our victory like Christ.

– Driscoll

Amen

xx zs