Warning; A Somewhat Graphic Post

‘Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead…’

I miss Matt today. 

Yesterday I had lunch with an old workmate in Kangaroo Valley, which meant driving through the place where Matt had his accident. It’s a really strange experience and equally hard to describe, but here are a few thoughts I journalled when I got home;

I see the skid mark on the wrong side of the road left by Matt as he attempted to avoid the accident.

When I come around the bend (going the other way) I imagine what it would have been like for the poor man who hit him.

I wonder if Matt felt any pain.

I wonder what he was thinking as he jumped off his bike to stop it from hitting the car.

I imagine what was happening inside his body after it collided with the car and fell heavily on the road.

How long was it before he fell unconscious?

Again, was he in pain? 

Did he realise that it was the end for him?

Did he think about me?

Was he able to think at all?

I try to imagine what it was like for the the people who waited for him while the ambulance was on its way.

Did they hold his hand?

I imagine the ambulance officers cutting off his bike gear and jacket.

Removing his helmet and boots.

I imagine them driving to the show ground where they were going to meet the helicopter which would transfer him to a hospital in Sydney.

I image him being pronounced dead before it got there…

All of this is going through my head as I drive that terrible road – the one on which my beautiful husband too his last breath before meeting his Lord and Saviour.

This is one of the hardest things about Matt’s accident (besides the fact that he is gone). I have these thoughts and nightmares running through my head daily. The other thing that haunts me regularly is the response of those around me when we were informed of Matt’s death. Seeing my friends and family hurting like that is so hard for me.

Amidst all of the pain and trauma of that day, God really provided for both Matt and I. The first person to reach Matt after the accident was an ex-ambulance driver, and he knew exactly what to do while the ambulance came. The police chaplain was also there praying for Matthew as the ambulance officers worked hard to save his life. Matt was also wearing a brand new helmet and protective gear. All of these factors comfort me as I know that everything that could have been done to save him was done.

It’s a small thing but it does keep me going. 

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I saw this picture on Facebook yesterday and it put me right back in my place. I often sit and feel sorry for myself and wonder why God would let something like this happen to such a beautiful and godly guy, but it is good to remember that none of us are good, and every good thing we have is a gift from God that we do not deserve.

Thank you Jesus.

xx zs

Today has been a fairly mediocre day. I

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Today has been a fairly mediocre day. I spent a bit of time in the morning walking in the bush and sitting by some waterfalls. I find this time helpful for thinking and journaling…and also getting my daily dose of vitamin D in order to prevent my skin from becoming ‘dungeon prisoner pale’.

I have been spending a fair bit of my time thinking about the importance of ministry; in particular, youth ministry. God has blessed me with a desire and passion for youth ministry, and I have missed serving in this area recently.

I believe youth ministry (e.g. youth group) is an extremely important ministry for a number of reasons, including:

  • Kids are at such an impressionable stage of their lives; both for good things (the Gospel) and bad things (sin and worldliness).
  • They can experience God’s love through their leaders (ideally) and more importantly through a relationship with Christ – which they may not be getting at home.
  • They can seek advice and wisdom from their leaders with whom they can be open and honest with.
  • Life can be short (we don’t know when each person’s time will be up – or when Jesus will return), and we have the truth which each person needs to have salvation and everlasting life with God.
  • We can provide them with regular Bible study to help guide them through life and grow in their relationships with Christ.
  • It’s a good environment for kid’s to hang out with other Christiana their age, and encourage and spur each other on in their faith.

There are many, many more reasons…these are just a few I have been thinking over. Matthew had a passion for youth and preaching the Gospel to them. He did it for his job, but also in his free time. When I was working in full-time ministry, I worked in more of a ‘evangelistic’ role; we rarely had any follow-up with the kids we ministered to, so it was more evangelising than discipleship. I personally found this challenging, as I love to see kids grow and mature in their faith, and also to  be there to support them when things are rough.

Matt’s death has also forced me to rethink my future, as our long-term plans were for me to be wife and mum. Now as an unemployed ‘single’ person I need to start thinking about some kind of job. Ideally I would love to go back into youth ministry, but I am struggling with the notion of any kind of responsibility and commitment at the moment…let alone being somewhat responsible for other’s spiritual growth. I know that God uses the most unlikely people to do great things (e.g. the apostle Paul), but I’m a whole bunch of crazy right now.

This was my prayer today;

Lord God,

I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t have the words to speak. All I can do is give my pain over to you God. Lord, please take it. Please ease it from me. Please change it into joy and Praise. Please help me see your hand in my life and in this mess. Help me see your plan for me. Please help me accept that this is your will for my life. Help me not to be angry at you for this – but help me trust you and walk faithfully in your ways. Lord God, I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what path to follow and what steps to take. Please direct me Lord in the path you have set out specifically for me.

Lord I love you and I trust you.

xx zs

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In Christ…

 

 

‘In Christ, you’re graced. You’re chosen by grace, saved by grace, kept by grace, gifted by grace, empowered by grace, matured by grace, and sanctified by grace. You persevere by grace, and one day will see Jesus, the best friend you’ve ever had, face-to-face, by grace.’

– Driscoll

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xx zs

Hard Times…

Yep. This is crap, this is hard. And that is OK.

This is one of the seasons in life where it is OK to feel sad continuously, to be close to tears all the time, and to not want to talk about it sometimes – but to also want to talk about nothing else.

I am an introvert. I get my energy from being alone with my thoughts. I know that there are a tonne of people out there who are worried about me and sad for me, but I feel like I should let you know that me wanting to be alone is normal and OK. It’s not personal at all. It’s just what I need at the moment, and my psych has affirmed that it is completely normal and healthy for me to have those days. And remember I am never truly ‘alone’; my King walks beside me every step of the way.

I am so touched by all the love and support that is surrounding me at the moment, and I strongly believe that Matt would be so proud of how you are all taking care of me now that he can’t. I guess it has just been on my heart to let you all know that even though you don’t see me often, I am OK.

There are times when I do want company or want to be around you – and when those times come I will definitely let you know! Please don’t stop offering to hang out or catch up, but please, please don’t be offended if I decline…I’m probably still in my jammies watching cat videos online!

xx zs

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Dear Saints, yo…

Dear Saints, you must always remember who you are, especially when you need it most.
Theologians explain it this way. The imperatives of the Bible (what you should do) flow out of the indicatives (who you are). We say no to sin because we are holy in Christ. We endure the criticism of those who hate us because God loves us in Christ. We endure ostracism from others because God welcomes us in Christ. We are not what we do. We do what we are. Our identity determines our activity. This was true for Jesus, and it’s true for those who are in Christ. Our identity as new creations in Christ is the key for our victory like Christ.

– Driscoll

Amen

xx zs

Some people are such jerks! Sorry about my

Some people are such jerks! Sorry about my language; I do hate that word and very rarely use it…but I am annoyed and will repent for it later.

I had just had a lovely night at church and a cuppa afterwards with my besties (you know who you are!) and as I was driving up Maquarie pass (alone) an idiot sped up behind me. He (or she – not sure) sat right on my tail for about 10 seconds before illegally and dangerously overtaking me. As they passed I beeped my little horn at them disapprovingly  which apparently pissed them off as they decided to slow right down and then stop in the middle of the road, forcing me to stop as well! It was terrfying! I had no idea what they were going to do; were they going to get out and abuse me? Thank goodness they didn’t…after sitting for what felt like the longest 30 seconds of my life they sped off into the night, leaving me a teary and shaky mess.

Luckily he/she didn’t get out of the car, or they would have seen that my face looked very similar to this:

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And to top it all off I had to do a bloody hill start in the middle of the road and cause I’m a crap manual driver and was in a state of shock I stalled a couple of times before I was safely on my way!

So tonight I am thanking God that he kept me safe on the road today, and am asking Him to help me love people who drive irresponsibly on the roads (and scare sneaky wees out of me).

xx zs

 Today has been a hard day. I woke

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Today has been a hard day. I woke up with an extremely full bladder and a cat standing on my face (both of which are a harsh reminder that I can’t actually stay in bed all day, despite how I am feeling). It only got better when I received yet another letter in the mail from the coroner informing me of Matt’s death and the horrific causes which surrounded it. Great. 

I am aware that I am whinging and feeling sorry for myself…but I don’t care right now, so bear with me.

I thought to myself; ‘maybe a bit of retail therapy will help?’ (and maybe getting out of the house into the real world too?). Nope. While I was in town I dropped into that bank to deposit some cheques from Matt’s now closed accounts. Luckily for me I had to explain my situation to 3 different people with a full line of customers waiting behind me – all the while trying not to fall into a sobbing mess on the lovely carpeted floor (it did look very appealing at the time).

I know I have said this before, but it is definitely the littlest and weirdest things that make me miss Matthew. In Big W today I found myself walking through the men’s clothing section looking at things I would normally be getting for Matt (he wasn’t great at shopping for clothes for himself, and was quite happy to wear whatever I picked up for him – what a guy!). It gets me every time. I just want to buy the clothes anyway and wear them myself – says the girl sitting here wearing one of Matt’s oversized Transformers shirts. The other thing is his Lynx deodorant  Every time I spray it I smell him. It both warms my heart and makes my stomach drop.

I came home with a headache and some toys, had a nap, and have been drinking coffee and ‘V’ ever since to try and stay awake so that I am not up all night.

Some days are definitely harder than others; on a scale of dull background pain to all-consuming physical hurt and fear. Today wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either. 

I have been reading Who Do You Think You Are? and have continued to find it helpful and insightful. I’ve also been working on memorising Psalm 103…I’ll giver the first couple of verses a try:

Praise the LORD, my soul, all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases…

And I forget the rest. Yup, I have a long way to go. 

Now that I’ve had a royal whinge I am going to go and work on the Psalm some more and try and takes my eyes off myself and focus them towards God who is worthy of all our praise.

xx zs

What Defines You?

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I have recently stared reading Mark Driscoll’s book Who Do You Think You Are – Finding Your True Identity in Christ. Throughout the book Driscoll refers mostly to the New Testament book of Ephesians in an attempt to explore the question “What does it mean to be ‘in Christ’?” In the process he dissects the fale-identity epidemic and, more importantly, provides the only solution – Jesus. 

I am only 28 pages into the book, but have already been struck and challenged by it. In particular, Driscoll writes this in reference to suffering being one of our many idols;

‘As long as we’re alive, we’ll suffer…When we suffer, we can easily allow our hurt to become our identity. Our pain can become all-consuming and overwhelming. Admittedly, it’s hard to tell a cancer patient, divorcee, or rape victim that his or her pain isn’t the defining aspect of who that individual is. But if we truly love those who suffer, we must humbly, graciously, and patiently explain that to be a Christian is not to live a life free from suffering, but rather, suffering should lead us to identify with Jesus, who suffered more than anyone in history on our behalf.’ (pg. 12)

Now, to be honest, my first thought when I read that section earlier today was; If anyone comes to me and says that – no matter how humbly or graciously – I will punch them in the throat and tell them to shove off! How can they tell me that my pain doesn’t define me? If they stood in my shoes for even a minute they would reconsider! (And if they don’t…I’ll punch them in the throat!)

That being said, I have had time to stop and reflect on what Driscoll is saying here, and I have to admit that I have let my suffering define me. The thing is, I honestly can’t see any other option right now. It’s all-consuming. It’s overpowering. It seems to be unending. It is the first thing that hits my mind when I wake up, and it is the last thing I am thinking of before I sleep. I think that, for me, even time is measured in relation to Matt’s death. Today isn’t the 23rd of May, it’s just shy of 3 months since Matt died. It’s not 2013 AD; It’s 3 months AM (after Matt). For me everything is either ‘before the accident’ or ‘since the accident.’

So, I have recognised that I need to find my identity in Christ but; (1) I don’t know how to get there, and (2) I don’t really want to. I know that sounds strange, and I don’t know why it is, but I miss Matt so much and I can’t imagine that pain ever not being a major part of who I am. 

I hope and pray as I continue to read through this book alongside Ephesians, that God will help me regain my identity in Him.

xx zs

‘A Grief Observed’ by C.S. Lewis

Here are a few excerpts from ‘A Grief Observed’. I have found Lewis to be very relatable to recently. He wrote this book shortly after his wife died and in it beautifully expresses the trials and tribulations of grief. The following quotes are some that have really spoken into my pain in losing Matthew.

– No one ever tod me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. 

– C. quotes to me ‘Do not mourn like those who have no hope’. It astonishes me, the way we are invited to apply to ourselves words so obviously addressed to our betters. What St. Paul says can comfort only those who love God better than the dead, and the dead better than themselves. If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created.

– And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness. 

– One flesh. Or, if you prefer, one ship. The starboard engine has gone. I, the port engine, must chug along somehow till we make harbour. Or rather, till the journey ends.

– The most precious gift that marriage gave me was this constant impact of something very close and intimate yet all the time unmistakably other, resistant – in a word, real. Is all that work to be undone?… Oh God, God, why did you take such trouble to force this creature out of its shell if it is now doomed to crawl back – to be sucked back – into it?

– This is one of the things I’m afraid of. The agonies, the mad midnight moments, must, in the course of nature, die away. But what will follow? Just this apathy, this dead flatness? Will there come a time when I no longer ask why the world is like a mean street, because I shall take the squalor as normal? Does greif finally subside into boredom tinged by faint nausea?

These are just a few… I am sure there will be more as I read on. I just feel like Lewis is speaking straight from my brain; I guess grief, no matter who is going through it, is similar in every situation.

xx zs

 Church is quite hard for me at the

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Church is quite hard for me at the moment for a number of reasons. Firstly, I have not been the most social person recently, and I still don’t really know how to answer the dreaded question, “How are you going?” Naturally, church is a place where lots of people want to know, so they can best support me…I just don’t know what to say. Also, there are so many young, married couples (praise God!) and it is really confronting for me to be around them.

The main one though, is the singing. I love worshipping at church alongside my brothers and sisters, but it is very different for me now. So many of the songs we sing focus on how great God is (true), how worthy of praise He is (true), how much He loves us (true), and how he is more than enough to satisfy and sustain us (true!).

The thing that I find challenging is that it is so easy to sing ‘you are enough’ when we have God  + so many other things, i.e. health, family, money, love, etc. But now as I stand alongside my brothers and sisters singing these things, I feel like shouting “Do you know what you are saying? Would you really be praising God if you lost the things you find so important?” And, as I do, I am sure they would stand. But it would look very different. I try to sing through my tears and frustration, praising my God who gives and takes away.

Everything is so different for me now. God has to be and is more than enough for me. 

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At church last night we looked at the story of Abraham in Genesis chapter 22. This is the part of his journey where God asks him so kill his son Isaac, as a test of his faith, but stops Abraham right before he does it. God then provides Abraham with a ram to sacrifice instead.

Some of the main points we covered were;

  • Abraham has to wait 25 years before God fulfilled his promise of turning Abraham’s family into a great nation, by blessing him with a son Isaac
  • Abraham really loved Isaac, but he trusted God more, and had faith in God’s promises

How much do you trust God? Are you willing to sacrifice the most important things in your life for Him? To be honest, I feel like I didn’t really have a choice. God just took Matthew from me. Would I have been willing to give him up? I don’t think so. Maybe God was saving me from having to make a really hard choice.

God has promised that he loves me and cares for me, and one day I will inherit eternal life. How long will I have to wait? How long will it be until I start coping with my loss? How long will it be before I see the blessings through the fog? 5, 10, 25 years?

I pray that God will give me strength to trust in his promises and have the faith to wait patiently for him like Abraham did.

xx zs

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I Will Ever Praise You…

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I know this has been said many times before, but it has only really just become true for me…it is so easy to praise God when we are doing well – when we have a job, a home, a partner, some hobbies and our health. And when we are ‘prospering’ we think that no matter what happens, we will always be able to praise God, because how bad could it get?

Well, it’s pretty bad for me right now. And I am choosing to praise God – or trying to at least. It is really hard, but I have to remember all that God has saved me from and blessed me with. He has saved me (and Matt) from the punishment of our rebellion against Him, and has promised an inheritance kept for me in heaven (1 Peter 1:4). God is good and He comforts and cares for us in both the good times and the shit times (excuse my language).

That being said, I am still angry at my situation and I often find it hard to come to God in prayer or for comfort, because I still can’t believe that he would let my beautiful husband die. I hate so many things about what has happened; here are a few of them:

I hate that Matt is dead. I hate that ill never get to talk to him again. I hate that the accident was his fault and that i only have him to blame. I hate that we only had 2 months. I hate that we spent so long preparing for our marriage that only lasted 8 weeks. I hate that he is not here to hug me and tell me its all going to be ok. I hate that it is NOT going to be all ok. I hate that we wont be parents. I hate that im doing this alone (i know im not but it definately feels like it)
I hate that my entire future has changed. I hate that people around me are happy and healthy and in relationships and I am not. I hate that i didn’t get to say goodbye. I hate that noone can give me any real answers or advice. I hate that he is gone. I hate that this has happend to me. I hate that it was so good to be married to him and now its so shit to be left behind here.
I hate that he is not here for me to tell him that im pissed off at him. I hate that he was the guy for me and now he’s gone. I hate that when we got married we became one flesh and now i feel like only half a person. I hate that my name is Zoe schuthof and Matt isn’t here to be Matthew Schuthof. I hate that he isn’t here to affirm me. I hate that im sitting here crying and hurting and dying inside and so many other people are living normal lives. I hate how whingy and sorry for myself i sound. I hate that i cant stop picturing the accident in my head. I hate that he’s dead and there is nothing that can be done about it. I hate that the one person i want to talk most to about all of this is matt and he is not here to hold me and listen. I hate that i have to re-plan my future without him in it. I hate that i feel like i am starting to forget him and question whether we were even in love and married. I hate how much it hurts when i see photos of him. I hate that other people are in accidents but they dont die and matt did. I hate how my chest hurts and i feel like i need to get all this pain out but it wont come. I hate that i know that God is doing amazing stuff for his glory but i don’t really care.
I hate how this has turned me into a crazy person who sits and complains about everything she hates!

The end.

Yep. I know. That’s a lot of hate. But I wrote that out a few weeks ago, and as I read back over it I realise that I am starting to overcome some of that hate, and some of those things don’t bother me so much anymore. I have a long way to go though before I reach acceptance.

In a previous post I mentioned that it is the little things that are the hardest, and I had one of those moments yesterday. My brother and I went to see the new Star Trek movie (it was awesome!) and when we were walking next to each other to get some lunch (sushi train, yum!) I realised that if it was Matt walking next to me he would always reach out and hold my hand. I loved that. So instead I shoved my hands in my pockets, knowing that I will never hold his hand again.

This has been quite a depressing post, but I haven’t intended it to be. So on a lighter note, God is good, the sun is shining, Squid is behaving and I will ever praise God.

xx zs

 

This is a sermon I preached in July

This is a sermon I preached in July of last year for the youth service in Robertson. I revisited it because I have been looking at Psalm 103, and I totally remembered that I spoke on it!

I am planning on memorising this Psalm. Memorising Scripture is something I rarely do, but the benefits of doing it are priceless. It’s great to have something to focus your time on, but also it is so good to be able to recall the promises of God and the truths of Scripture when we are struggling.

Here it is (minus a conclusion…apparently I made it up on the spot? I think I just ran out of time when writing it haha).

 

Psalm 103 – Sermon Notes

 

Intro:

As I sat down on Friday night to work on this talk I was hit with the realization that God himself has trusted me to speak to you tonight. At first my heart started beating with the weight of responsibility, but then I remembered that it is God who speaks through me, so I don’t have anything to worry about. That being said, I’m going to pray for myself and for you guys before we get stuck into it.

Pray:

 More Intro:

I love the Psalms. There is just something about reading them and feeling the raw emotion and desires of the writers. The Psalms point me to the awesomeness of God, but at the same time they show me that it is okay for us to cry out to God in pain and questioning.

Whenever I get up to speak to people, whether it be here at church or at my old job, my knee jerk reaction is to preach on a passage from one of the New Testament letters. I don’t  quite know why it is – it’s just what I do. But as I started running through ideas in my head for this talk I was challenged to step outside my comfort zone and work through something from the Old Testament. So Psalm 103 it is!

This is not necessarily one of the better-know Psalms, like Psalm 139, but as I was flicking through my Bible this particular Psalm grabbed my attention. We are going to be looking at the psalm but I also hope that I can leave you with some practical things to take home.

There are four main points that jumped out at me as I read this Psalm, and they are the points I want you to remember from tonight. They are; we are to FEAR the Lord, PRAISE the Lord, REMEMBER the Lord, and FOLLOW the Lord.

Fear Him, Praise Him, Remember Him and Follow Him.

We are going to be working through these four points together, so keep your Bible open at Psalm 103 because we are going to be jumping around the Psalm a bit.

 

Point 1: Fear Him

OK, so our first point; we are to FEAR God. Now, when you hear the word ‘fear’ what comes to your mind? I don’t know if it is the same for you, but when I think of fear I think of being really scared of something to the point where my chest feels tight and my heart hurts. But if we look at this Psalm, which is written by David, we are told to fear the Lord.

Have a look at verses 11, 13 and 17. Verse 11: ‘For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him…’, verse 13: ‘As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him…’ and verse 17:‘ But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him…’.

God loves those of us who fear Him.

There are a bunch of references like these throughout the Bible in regard to fearing God, and it has been something that I have grappled with since the day I became a Christian. I mean why should I be afraid of or scared of God if he is so loving and forgiving and compassionate and merciful and gracious? And I think the answer is that my idea or concept of fear is very different to the Biblical concept of fearing God. My idea of fear is very different to the Biblical concept of fearing God.

Let me explain. 

When the Bible speaks about fearing God, it doesn’t necessarily mean being scared, afraid, frightened or terrified in the negative way we think about these feelings. It’s actually referring to having a healthy respect for God. It’s recognising God for who He is; holy, almighty, righteous, just, pure, all-knowing, all-powerful, all-wise, and so much more. Fearing God is recognising Him for who He is. And when we actually do that, when we understand the power and the awesomeness of God, our only response is to fall at his feet with humility, repentance and respect. 

If you are someone who calls yourself a Christian and you live with Jesus as your King you don’t need to fear death or God’s punishment; Jesus has paid for it all on the cross. But you do need to understand who God is, and rightly respect Him.

So what does that look like in our lives? How do we live practically in fear of the Lord as David says? Well, luckily for us the next three points we are going to look at will give us some tips.

Before we move on there is one thing I want to say here. There are some people out there who talk to God and about God like he is their best friend, like he’s their buddy-buddy, like their equal. Now I’m not saying that that is never ok, God is a friend to us, but He is so much more than that. God is the creator and sustainer of the entire universe. If he wanted to he could take my life, or yours, just like that (click). And we need to remember that. In the same way we are called to respect our parents because they have authority over us, we need to remember who God is.

All right, so what does that look like?

 

Point 2: Praise Him

Point two; we should praise God. Psalm 103 is like a praise sandwich. If you look at it, the first and last chunk are all about God being praised. We are going to focus on verse one tonight, which says; ‘Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.’ I love the Holman’s translation of this verse which says; ‘My soul, praise the LORD, and all that is within me, praise His holy name.’

The thing that struck me about this verse is that David didn’t say ‘praise the LORD on Sundays, when I’m at church, praise the LORD when I sing a hymn.’ No, what David is talking about is so much more than that. Praising God is about expressing our respect and thankfulness towards God. It’s about voicing or showing our admiration of Him. 

Now, this is what we do on Sundays at church, when we sing together and pray together – we are praising God. But in this Psalm David is picking up on something that runs a lot deeper than that. David is praising God from the very core of who he is.

When you sing here at church, when you praise God in song, are you just doing it because everyone else is? Are you singing because that is what you have been brought up to do? Or are you worried that if you don’t stand and sing people with think badly of you? 

Or are you praising God from the bottom of your heart, with all that is in you? Are you praising God because you have recognised who he is and you love him with all of your heart? Are you filled with an inexpressible joy at the thought of Him and his love?

Praising God is not just about singing in church and praying to him – it’s about how we live our day-to-day lives. 

And that brings us to our next point; Remembering God.

 

Point 3: Remember Him

Why does David praise God? And why should we praise Him? Have a look at verses two to six. ‘Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.’ And verses nine and ten, ‘He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.’

We don’t just praise God because he tells us to, we praise God in response to who He is and what he has already done for us. That’s the beautiful thing about the Christian faith, and it’s what separates Christianity from a lot of other religions; God doesn’t say “fear me, praise me and follow me, and if you do a good enough job at it I might forgive you”. No, God has already paid for our sins and forgiven us…and now he calls us to fear him, and praise him and follow him.

I don’t know why it is, but it seems to be so easy for us to forget Jesus. And I don’t mean that we completely forget him and what he has done, but in the business and stresses of our day to day lives, when we are at work or at school, so often we are not thinking about Jesus. Now, it could be different for you; you could be someone who thinks about the gospel all the time, but for me personally, I’m not one of those people. I need to hear the gospel every day. I need to read about it and I need to wake up and preach it to myself. 

You can never be ‘too Christian’ to hear the gospel. You can never be too godly to hear the Gospel. We all need to hear it every day. We need to be reminded, as David says, that God has forgiven us for all our sins…we don’t have to endure the wrath and anger we deserve. God promises to heal us; and if it doesn’t happen in this life we can have assurance that we will have perfect bodies in the next life. 

So how can we make sure that we are hearing the gospel every day? There are a bunch of different ways, but I want to give you two ways that I have found very helpful in my daily walk as a Christian.

Firstly, we need to get into the Word daily. Now I know this is hard. I know that sometimes (or most of the time) its a struggle to drag yourself out of bed in time for school, let alone getting up half an hour earlier to read the Bible. I know that reading magazines or fiction books is sometimes more appealing. I know that going on Facebook in so much easier then reading the Bible. I Know. But I also know that my days are filled with so much more joy and love if I spend the morning with God, and reading about his love for me which was displayed on the cross.

Secondly, one thing that I find very helpful is listening to Christian music. And there are two reasons why I try and do this. One, because it points me to Jesus; and two, because it means that I’m not listening to songs that are filled with sex and drugs and worldliness.

We need to remember the Lord and hear the gospel daily in order for us to live a life worthy of our calling – and that brings us to our final point; we are to Follow Jesus.

 

Point 4: Follow Him

If we recognise God for who He is and what he has done for us, the only right response for us to have is to follow in his footsteps. As Christians we are called to live like Jesus did. We are called to love like Jesus does. 

I recently read this book, which was leant to me by a friend, and in it the author, Francis Chan, inspires and motivates his readers to take the words of Jesus seriously in their lives. In one of the most challenging chapters in the entire book Chan gives a description of what half-hearted, distracted, partially committed, and lukewarm Christians can look like. As I read through some of these examples, I encourage you to have an honest look at your life. Not who you want to be in the future, but who you are now and how you are living today.

  • Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly. It is what is expected of them, what they believe “good Christians” do, so they go. 
  • Lukewarm people give money to charity and to the church…as long as it doesn’t interfere with their standard of living.
  • Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right. They desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of their actions than what God thinks of their hearts and lives.
  • Lukewarm people don’t really want to be saved from their sin; they only want to be saved from the penalty of their sin. They don’t genuinely hate sin and aren’t truly sorry for it; they’re merely sorry because God is going to punish them.
  • Lukewarm people are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act. They assume such action is for ‘extreme’ Christians, not average ones.
  • Lukewarm people rarely share their faith with their neighbors or friends. They don’t want to be rejected. Nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about things like religion.
  • Lukewarm people say they love Jesus, and He is part of their lives…but only a part. They give him a section of their time, money and thoughts…but he isn’t allowed to control their lives.
  • Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves.
  • Lukewarm people probably drink and swear less than average, but besides that, they really aren’t very different from your typical unbeliever. 

 

I want us to focus finally now on verse eight, which says ‘The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love’. This verse is talking about God’s character, but could it also describe you? Because the Bible says that we should imitate Christ, and other people should be able to recognise us by our love for others. 

Are you someone who shows concern for others? Are you kind to those around you at school? Both the people you like but also those who are hard to like? Do you stand up for those at school who are getting teased, bullied or left out? Do you love and respect your parents, even if they are getting on your nerves? These are just a few practical ways in which you can show your love for Christ to those around you.

If you are anything like me, you will hear all of these things and think “well I want to be like that, but I find it so hard – I just keep stuffing up”. I know that everyone’s walk is different, but for me, I relate my walk with Jesus like a skill that we have to practice at.

(Juggling illustration)

 

Conclusion:

(Impromptu)

Psalm 103

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Psalm 103

Praise the LORD, my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, my souls,

and forget not all his benefits – 

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

The LORD works righteousness

and justice for all the oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses,

his deeds to the people of Israel:

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse, 

nor will he harbour his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far he has removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,

he remembers that we are dust.

The life of mortals is like grass,

they flourish like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone,

and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting

the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,

and his righteousness with their children’s children – 

with those who keep his covenant

and remember to obey his precepts.

The LORD has established his throne in heaven,

and his kingdom rules over all.

Praise the LORD, you his angels,

you mighty ones who do his bidding,

who obey his word.

Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,

you his servants who do his will.

Praise the LORD, all his works

everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the LORD, my soul.

This morning I started my day with a

This morning I started my day with a little bush walk, to try and clear my head a little. Unfortunately, the last song I listened to as I drove to Carrington Falls got stuck in my head and played itself on repeat for the majority of my walk.

I tried praying; it didn’t work. I tried singing a different song; that didn’t work either. So I pulled a book out of my bag (‘The Problem of Pain’ by C.S. Lewis) and read it as I walked. (And yes, I did stumble often on the uneven ground – but that is beside the point!) 

What I read was interesting and challenging. I often find Lewis’s writing hard to read, with the big words and old-style english, but one paragraph really stood out at me. 

In the introduction of the book Lewis aims to describe Christianity’s origin, as he believes it is necessary if we are to put the problem of pain in its right setting. This is what he writes:

There was a man born among the Jews (Jesus) who claimed to be, or to be the son of, or to be ‘one with’, the Something which is at once the awful haunter of nature  and the giver of the moral law. The claim is so shocking – a paradox, and even a horror, which we may easily be lulled into taking too lightly – that only two views of this man are possible. Either he was a raving lunatic of an unusually abominable type, or else He was, and is, precisely what He said. There is no middle way. If the records make the first hypothesis unacceptable, you must submit to the second. And if you do that, all else that is claimed by Christians becomes credible – that this Man, having being killed, was yet alive, and that His death, in some manner incomprehensible to human thought, has effected a real change in our relations to the ‘awful’ and ‘righteous’ Lord, and a change in our favour. 

(emphasis mine)

So, three things:

  1. Do you take Jesus’ claim to lightly – despite whether or not you believe him?
  2. Which conclusion have to come to? And why?
  3. If you have chosen to believe the truths of the Christian faith, are you living as a result and reflection of them?

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In Him

xx zs

Relationship Questions

Matt liked to write things down. He had a terrible memory, so if he ever needed to talk to me about something he would often pull a little piece of note paper out of his pocket and refer to it throughout the conversation. At first I thought this was pretty funny, but I soon realised that it showed his godliness and maturity.

Matt was passionate about me, but more than that, he was passionate about Jesus. And this showed in every area of his life. As a result one of the things Matt spent a lot of time thinking and praying about was our relationship. I recently came across a list of questions that Matt compiled and we worked through together. I think they are really important questions for everyone to as themselves, but especially if you are in or thinking about entering into a romantic relationship.  

So here they are:

  • What is best for us (you) right now?
  • Are we encouraging each other’s spiritual growth?
  • In this relationship hindering our growth and relationship with God?
  • Is God the focus of our relationship?
  • Are we being poor stewards of our singleness? (if you are currently single)
  • Where are we headed?
  • What do you think God is saying to you about our relationship?
  • Do we need to be just friends?
  • Should we continue spending time together in a non-dating relationship like we are now, and wait until we feel it is God’s timing for us?
  • Do we move ahead?
  • How can I be the kind of friend you need right now?
  • Are we becoming too intimate based on our level of commitment? 
  • Are we looking towards marriage as the goal of this relationship?
  • Does this relationship glorify God?

Ask away!

xx zs

I realised anew that, just as we must

I realised anew that, just as we must learn to obey God one choice at a time, we must also learn to trust God one circumstance at a time. Trusting God is not a matter of my feelings but of my will. I never feel like trusting God when adversity strikes, but I can choose to do so even when I don’t feel like it. The act of the will, though, must be based on belief, and belief must be based on truth.

The truth we must believe is that God is sovereign. He carries his own good purposes without ever being thwarted, and he so directs and controls all events and all actions of his creatures that they never act outside of his sovereign will. We must believe this and cling to this in the face of adversity and tragedy, if we are to glorify God by trusting him.

I will say this next statement as gently and compassionately as I know how. Our first priority in times of adversity is to honour and glorify God by trusting him. We tend to make our first priority the gaining of relief from our feelings of heart ache or disappointment and frustration. This is a natural desire and God has promised to give us grace sufficient for our trials and peace for our anxieties (2 Cor 12:9, Phil 4:6-7). But just as God’s will is to take precedence over our will (Matt 26:39), so God’s honour is to take precedence over our feelings. We honour God by choosing to trust him when we don’t understand what he is doing or why he has allowed some adverse circumstances to occur. As we seek God’s glory, we may be sure that He purposes our good that He will not be frustrated in fulfilling that purpose.

   – J. Bridges

I read this today in a friend’s book, and it struck me to the core.

As I have previously said, I do trust God. I trust that He is sovereign. I trust that He is good. And I trust that He loves me enough to die the death I deserve. But right now, if I am completely honest, I don’t like Him very much. I don’t like what has happened. I don’t like that he allowed Matt to die. I know that I have absolutely no right to question God or complain about my circumstances…but that does not stop me from being mad about this mess.

Like Bridges says, ‘I never feel like trusting God when adversity strikes, but I can choose to do so even when I don’t feel like it’. I guess my question in all of this is how do I show my trust in God even though I very much don’t feel like it? What does it look like practically?

One thing I am actively trying to do is stay in His word. The Bible is powerful and I have faith that as I read it God will mould my heart of stone back into a heart of flesh. I am thankful that God is big enough and strong enough to take my anger in this time; and I am especially thankful that He loves me despite it!

I guess at the moment my prayer is that God would give me a peace about the accident and the resulting changes to my life…and soon! (Maybe I should pray for patience too?)

I will also be reminding myself of this:

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In Him,

xx zs

For the last three months I have been

For the last three months I have been regularly seeing a psychologist. Those of you who have been to a psychologist appointment would know that it can be a daunting task – both finding one that is a ‘good fit’ for you, and keeping up regular sessions.

I personally have seen a few different psychs, and have only just been blessed with finding someone who I can connect with and be honest with. She is a lovely Christian lady with a tonne of life experience (yeah, she’s a bit old) and real knack of looking at issues both emotionally and logistically.

One thing that surprises me is that I dread every single appointment with her, but I always walk away feeling blessed, encouraged, informed and somehow ‘lighter’. For example, last night I was running through all the possible excuses (a.k.a lies) I could give for not showing up/cancelling my appointment for this morning. “Just shut up, stop whinging and go!”, I said to myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. So I did. And, funnily enough, I feel better now.

Today we looked at anxiety, mindfulness and relaxation. This was super helpful because, (as I mentioned in my last post), I am having trouble emptying my mind. Apparently is is possible…who knew!?! I’m still a bit skeptical about it as there is so much activity, stress, worry, despair etc. inside my head at the moment…kind of like this:

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(Obviously I have more hair). I am somewhat looking forward to trying some of the techniques she gave me, as it would be lovely to be able to switch off the noise for a bit.

One thing that has been happening for me over the last week or so is that I have been able to ‘feel’ a bit more. I think I have been in shock since Matt died, and as a result I have felt like a bit of a robot. I haven’t really been able to cry much – there have been tears here and there – but not the soul-satisfying crying that makes you exhausted afterwards. This seeming lack of emotion has also made me feel guilty…I mean, as a widow shouldn’t I be crying myself to sleep every night? Shouldn’t I be spending my days in bed? Am a heartless woman who couldn’t care less? That’s what I thought, but apparently that’s just shock. And now the shock and trauma is wearing off the healing tears are coming. One one hand it is painful to feel so much sorrow…but I’d rather that than feeling nothing.

I am told that one thing I need to remember is to breathe (apparently it’s important, haha). Jokes aside, it is hard to do when you are in a state of panic and worry. If you don’t breathe properly you loose oxygen in your hands which causes them to shake (so I’m told), and your brain also doesn’t get the required oxygen to form comprehensive thoughts. So deep, slow breaths are essential.

This is what I am going to be working on from now on.

xx zs

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 I’ve been spending a bit of my time

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I’ve been spending a bit of my time outside in God’s creation, surrounded by trees, sun and water. Mostly I’m alone, but sometimes with one other person. I am so thankful that I am someone who really enjoys being outdoors; someone who feels relaxed by it. I am thankful that I live in such a beautiful part of the world – that I can so easily escape from the craziness of life and be alone with God and my thoughts.

I’ve been really struggling to collect my thoughts; to sift through them and find any kind of meaning or organisation. This makes prayer and time with God really difficult, and it is something I really need right now. 99% of my prayers go like this; “Lord, please still my body and quieten my thoughts. Help me feel one thing at a time. Help me understand what I am thinking. Please, help me…”. And that’s usually as far as I get.

It’s really hard to describe what is going on in my head. Mostly it feels like I’m looking at a city from above. It’s filled with people and I can see all of their faces. They are all talking to me and to each other. But all I can hear is white noise – like the telly is muted and I can’t understand or comprehend what is happening in the picture. Everyone is demanding something of me but there is nothing I can do. I wish I could pause it and listen to one person at a time. But I cant. All I can do is observe. It’s so confusing.

I know that doesn’t really make sense, and that’s what makes it so frustrating.

I find that when I am at home alone I NEED to fill the silence. Whether it’s putting a movie on in the background or playing some music…I feel like I need to hear something. But I also want to be able to be still and quiet. It’s infuriating.

I also feel like my body has all this pent up energy that needs to come out, but I don’t know what to do with it. It comes in waves. One minute I’m yawning and flat on my back with no energy in sight, and the the minute I’m pacing around the house, my muscles tense, trembling with energy. It’s such a strange sensation. I know that each time the anxiety will pass – I just need to ride it out somehow.

This post has not made a lot of sense, but writing it has helped me try and understand what on earth I’m feeling. Sorry about the craziness!

xx zs

Worn – Tenth Avenue North

Worn – Tenth Avenue North

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But im too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Today I went to the bank.”Hi, I’m here

Today I went to the bank.

“Hi, I’m here to officially notify you of my husbands death.”

Gross. I still can’t believe it as it leaves my mouth. It still feels like I am telling someone else’s story. My hands shook and my heart thudded in my chest as I handed the (lovely) lady my licence and a copy of Matt’s death certificate. So surreal.

“Did he have a will?”

Did he have a will? He was 21! He was newly married! He was young and in love! He wasn’t thinking about death!

“No, he didn’t.”

I do trust God. But this still hurts so bloody much. 

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I’ve never been a great fan of my body, but Matthew had the gift of affirmation. He told me every day that I was beautiful, and he loved me just the way I am. It sounds so corny, but he completed me. I could be vulnerable with him in a way that I never have been with anyone else.

I miss him. My heart physically aches for him.

Please pray for God’s comfort to surround me.

xx zs

 

“Father, I do not understand you, but I trust you.”

Notice what this means. Christians do not say, “I do not understand you at all, but I trust you anyway.” Rather we say, “I do not understand you in this situation, but I understand why I trust you anyway. Therefore I can trust that you understand even though I dont.”

If we do not know why we trust God in the beginning, then we will always need to know exactly what God is doing in order to trust him. Failing to grasp that, we may not be able to continue trusting him, for anything we do not understand may count decisively against what we are able to trust.

If, on the other hand, we do know why we trust God, we will be able to trust him in situations where we do not understand what he is doing. It may be mystery to us, but mystery is only inscrutable; what would be insufferable is absurdity. Faith does not know why in terms of the immediate, but knows why it trusts God who knows why in terms of the ultimate. 

– Os Guinness

I absolutely do not understand why God has allowed Matthew to die. I don’t understand why He didn’t protect Matt while he was riding to work. But thankfully I do know that I trust my God.

I am so thankful that I have known God for a number of years now, and have studied His Word. This have given me an unshakable faith and trust in God – even when I  suffer and don’t understand. 

Since Matt’s accident I have struggled to feel God’s presence and purpose. But even if it is only head-knowledge; i know that God loves me and has a good plan and purpose for me. Without this knowledge and trust, I don’t think I would be able to get through something as traumatic as this.

Praise God for his trustworthiness. 

xx zs

He is the image of the invisible God,

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities – all things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. And He is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything He might be preeminent. For in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of His cross.

– Colossians 1:15-20

It’s 2 am, and I am sitting in bed viciously aware of Matt’s absence. There isn’t a moment in the day when I’m not thinking of him and missing him ridiculously – but there are definitely times where his absence is more acute and overwhelming. This is one of those times.

I got this passage tattooed on my back about a year ago. I chose it because it basically sums up the Christian faith, and for me it reminds me of who Jesus is. One thing that I loved about being married to Matthew was that he would often read this passage to me from my back. I loved hearing it. Every time I read it, or had it read to me, it both challenged and encouraged me.

Tonight I am reminded that Jesus created all things – including me – for Himself. And I am reminded that He reconciled me to Himself by His blood. I am reminded that I belong to Him. I am His.

xx zs

It’s The Little Things…

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It’s the little things. It’s your toothbrush in the shower. It’s your dirty cups beside the bed. It’s smelling your deodorant  It’s the notes you wrote me; without knowing that one day they will mean so much. It’s your dirty clothes on the floor. It’s your meat in the freezer. It’s your pillow on our bed. It’s your DVD’s on the shelf. It’s your phone and your wallet in the drawer. It’s seeing helicopters, police officers, fire engins and ambulance drivers. It’s hearing the sirens. It’s getting a text message and hoping it’s from you. It’s your tyre mark on the road. It’s the absence of your beautiful smile. It’s seeing other couples together and happy. It’s the empty promise of “I will always be here to protect you, I’m not going anywhere.” It’s the hedge that hasn’t been trimmed. It’s the fire that hasn’t been cleaned out. It’s wearing your socks. It’s hearing our songs on the radio. It’s driving through Gerringong. It’s thinking I hear you come home. It’s carrying your death certificate alongside our marriage certificate. It’s seeing someone who looks like you. It’s your journal. It’s showering alone. It’s making morning coffee only for myself. It’s all the books about marriage on the shelf. It’s orange. It’s cooking for one. It’s eating for one. It’s your tools in the garage. It’s your bike gear. It’s the photos. It’s wishing it isn’t true. It’s me without you.

I know it’s strange, and may not make

I know it’s strange, and may not make a whole lot of sense, but this picture struck me right to the heart.

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As I was flicking through an art book just now, I felt a tug on my heart when I saw this drawing by Ghostpatrol. It illustrates what I’m feeling right now; that Matt, who was closest to me in the whole world – my closest friend – the one who carried me on his back through a lot of great and hard times, is now gone. And he left a big hole underneath me, and in me.

Please pray that I would lean on God to fill that hole in my heart and in my life. I know He will, but I’m not feeling it right now.

xx zs

Why?

Why? Why? WHY?

It’s the big question. 

It’s the question we ask everyday.

It’s the question I ask every hour of every day.

This is what the last two and a bit months have looked like for me;

– “Why has this happened?”

– “Why did you allow this?”

– “Why Matt?”

– “Why me?”

– “Why now?”

– “Why not later?”

– “Why not after we had kids?”

– “Why did you plan this for us God?”

The list could go on and on. And the most frustrating thing about it is that I might not get any answers to these questions this side of heaven.

So what do I do? Well, mostly I dwell on the ‘unfairness’ of it all and feel sorry for myself. But I’m not sure how helpful that is. In reading something I was challenged to turn my ‘Why?’ into ‘How?’ So these are the questions I try and dwell on (with an emphasis on ‘try):

– “How do I move forward from this?”

– “How do I remain faithful to God ?”

– “How can I glorify God in this?”

– “How  can I let God use this for my good and His glory?”

– “How can I love God and others in my pain?”

– “How do I stop focusing on the ‘why’?”

 

It’s hard…it’s really hard – but I think it has to be done.

 

xx zs

I’ve been debating whether or not to post

I’ve been debating whether or not to post these thoughts, but they have been sitting heavily on my heart; so here goes.

Since Matt’s accident I have had such a strong desire to grab, shake, and yell at everyone I know who rides a motorbike “STOP IT! IT’S NOT WORTH IT! It’s not worth the risk, the danger, the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the despair, the grief, the depression, the loneliness, and the loss.”

I know that it is not necessarily the right response to Matt’s tragic accident…but it’s all I’ve got right now. I know that I don’t have the right to tell people what to do, but I wish someone had grabbed Matt and yelled these things at him years ago.

Matt loved riding his bike. I can not deny him that. He has been doing it for years; both for leisure and for transport. And he was good at it; he was great at it actually. I also enjoyed riding with him. I always felt safe on the back of his bike, (especially after I reminded him that I was putting my life in his hands)!

One thing I would like to say though: if you are riding a bike because it is cheaper or simply ‘fun’, I would strongly encourage you to think of your safety. Matt and I justified his riding 100kms to and from work every day because the fuel was cheaper than if he was driving a car. I regret this EVERY day. If possible, please learn from this tragedy.

You can’t put a price on a life.

xx zs

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All we have to …

All we have to do is live long enough, and we will be bereaved.
All we have to do is live long enough, and we will die.
In a fallen world, these points are immutable, yet grief and pain always catch us unawares. We know we are not immune, but there is a suppressed hope that pretends we are. And when our child dies, or our spouse; when we see a loved one wasting away from a painful disease, or observe a brilliant and courteous mind disintegrating before our eyes; when we ourselves suddenly face the most appalling pain or incapacity, with no prospect of relief, then our pretentions rush forward in another form: Why is God doing this? Though it is blasphemous to think it, our whole being cries out that this is unfair of him, that our grief and pain are disproportionate to our sin, that we have abandoned.

Doubtless it is true, for instance, that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him” (Rom. 8:28), but it is less than obvious that this should be quoted to the couple that has just lost their child in a road accident. If they know the Lord well, then perhaps, with time, they themselves will cite the verse with renewed faith and understanding; but it should not be thrust at them in the wrong way, or at the wrong time, or without tears, lest it seem like a bit of cheap ritual, miserable comfort, heartless proof texting.

Chapter 7, ‘How Long, O Lord’ – D.A. Carson

The note Matt left me before going to Spain with his Dad

To my dear beautiful Zoe,

I wanted to leave you something special before I went away for the next few weeks, I racked my brain but can’t think of anything :( but I thought I would leave you a note :)

 

You know how I feel about you, I’m very glad you do. I’ll be back soon, try not to have too much fun without me, and I can’t wait to share my adventures with you. I look forward to when we will get to go on our own adventures and build a life together.

I’ll be praying for you every day, have a great few weeks without me, and I’ll see you soon

Xxxxxxxxxxxx :-*

Love always (and for eternity :p)

Matthew

 

P.s. This photo is so you don’t forget whats coming back for you!!! :P

Image

 

– What a babe :)

‘How Long, O Lord’ – D.A. Carson

I have been finding it hard to start and finish a whole book since Matt’s accident. Normally I love to read – and when I think about think about it, I have a subconscious rule that I can’t stop reading a book until I have finished it. Not any more. I have realised there are no ‘rules’ when it come to reading…and I feel quite relieved and liberated! 

So, yesterday I picked up D.A. Carson’s book ‘How Long, O Lord’ – with absolutely no intention of reading it cover to cover – and the following excerpt struck me. 

We may succumb to the crush of the urgent. We think that if God is going to relieve our sufferings, he ought to do so immediately. Any delay vitiates his promises. We live in a fast-paced world, and we want God to respond with the same efficiency we expect from high-speed computers. We are not inclined to think through the delays in Scripture: Moses’ forty years in the back side of the wilderness, the delay of twenty or more years before Joseph is vindicated, the anguish even of the saints at the alter (Rev. 6:9-10). But God is not constrained by our petty timetables. Committed though he is to people’s good, he well understands that delays are not always bad. Moreover, if we walk with God long enough, we begin to learn the lesson ourselves: we look back from a longer perspective and start to appreciate that God’s timing is best. We may then marvel at our impatience. We are too much like children whose every request is stamped with “Now!”

Above all, many of us have not adequately reflected on the cross. We have been used to thinking of the cross as the means of our salvation; we have not thought much about what it means to take up our cross and die daily, or to fill up the sufferings of Christ. 

That being said, I wish this pain and suffering could end “Now!”

Lord, help me to believe and trust that your timing is best. Help me to pick up my cross and follow you today.

xx zs

30 / 04 / 10

One of Matt’s journal entries:

How can I be more like Christ each day?

“Most Christians praise and worship like Christians but they do not THINK as Christians.”  – (The Discipline of the Mind)

Every minute of every day, in every action I need to be thinking as a Christian, I need the mind of Christ so that I don’t just read my Bible and pray in the morning and evening, but go through the rest of the day not thinking about how my every action should bring glory to God and be focussed on him.

Lord help me to have the ‘mind of Christ’. Help me to remember to think before every action and word about how Jesus would do it, what he would say, and how he would treat people.

It is impossible to have a Christian mind if you spend all of your time watching T.V!

Some books to read…

C.S. Lewis – Mere Christianity

Oswald Chambers – My Utmost For His Highest

John Calvin – Institutes

A.W. Tozer – The Pursuit Of God

Thomas A Kempis – The Imitation Of Christ 

A.W. Tozer – The Knowledge Of The Holy

 

(A list by Matthew)

When I was sorting through Matt’s things after

When I was sorting through Matt’s things after his accident, I came across a little piece of notebook paper on which he had written down what he wanted to say to my Dad when he asked him if he could marry me. This is what it says;

As you would know, Zoe and I have been in a relationship of sorts for over 2 years now, and a year officially. I have know for a long time that she is the girl I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with, and as her Dad, the man who has raised and cared for her, we both think it’s important to ask for your permission and blessing before moving to engagement. And so I’m here to ask for your permission to marry Zoe, or to ask her to marry me.

He was such a godly and mature man.

zs